Flies/Lies/Cries

It's funny how things that are said in a different context come back to have new meaning in your life. It's been 4 nights in a row now since Wife slept in my bed, and I am haunted by words Ron said about dieting. If you don't want to do something, you'll find an excuse not to do it. If you want to do something, you'll find a way to make it happen. We of course were talking about exercise, but it applies to Wife who seems to find lots of reasons to not sleep in bed with me.

I often wonder if we should be trying to have a baby. Too often I feel like Wife is just with me because she feels she has to be. Other times I think she just hates me. It's funny, how I build up in my head that I am going to be a better husband and whenever I resolve to do so, I get smacked to the ground like a fly in a swatter and my dreams are broken like it's little wings. I killed a fly yesterday and I felt bad.

Maybe I have more in common with a fly than I care to imagine. We are both just trying to make a living, but our very existence is an annoyance to those around us. Do yo uthink a fly knows these facts?

I didnt sleeplast night. Well I slept for like 2 hours and am up again. I have to work today. And I have so much paperwork to do. I have vacation coming up.. but I wish I had a few days of it by myself.

I don't know how Ron can be so upbeat. His business is going great, but the rest of his life is crumbling. Doesn't he see it? I wish I had the insane optimism he has. It must be nice to have that kind of courage in yor life. A lot of times I am a coward. I dont even like answering the phone in case it's a potential client I have to quote. I know.. I need to suck it up... and I always do. But there's that laziness and fear that threatens to undo me at every step.

Of course now I start getting tired.. when I need to get up in 30 minutes... maybe I'll try to slip in a few... 

Night everyone

'Mouse

Alone/Afraid/Apart

You know... I talk a big talk to my friends but deep down I think I am very lonely. I think in a lot of ways in my marriage I just exist but I never really feel loved. Been married 13 years but I feel like a lot of the time, Wife is just here because she has to be.

I was playing a video game today and I found myself staring at a character. The character is sort of a friendly female character and I felt almost kinship. It was a sad realization for me. I dont know what to do about this.

I saw the Watchmen. I loved it... but I dont know that anyone else will. It was so real and human, and it made me realize why people like Super Hero Movies... because the heroes in those movies dont live their lives in fear like we do. Sure... say you dont feel fear... but the only one you fool is yourself. Fear of poverty, failure, insecurity, being alone. These are all fears. You have fear in your life.. imagine what your life would be like if noone told you you couldnt do something.... To live a life without fear.

-Mouse