Dreams/ Time/ Lonliness

So... I've decided Cheryl isnt the girl of my dreams. Which leaves me in a weird place since... Ive always had a girl to dream about. It used to be Wife but as her love for me cooled, my passion was fanned elsewhere. Sometimes online, sometimes in life but there was always something. Now there is nothing. It's like a flame in the middle of a cold lonely desert.

I came to the conclusion about Cheryl when I sent her some songs that were very meaningful to me by a band I just discovered. I gave her a few days and when I saw her tonight, I asked what she thought. She said she hadnt listened and seldom listened to anything I sent. I then went to play it for her and she shut down my stereo in a playful way. Only for the first time... I wasn't amused. I wanted to share something that has been haunting me for days. I asked for 3 minutes of her time and she wouldnt grant it.

The same went with Wife. I sent her the song and while she did listen to it, she only listened to about 30 or 40 seconds then lost interest. Since when is a request of three minutes to much to ask someone you feel close to. Fuck, people give that to telemarketers they are too polite to hang up on.

The sun is coming up now and dawning a very uncertain time for me, though only you and I know that, or are likely to. All the people that are supposed to be very concerned with my life, are barely interested. Even one of the great people I knew online doesnt talk to me anymore... which is par for the course I guess with online pals.

Kiss me like the final meal

Kiss me like we die tonight

I want someone to make me feel like that. Does it exist? I really don't know anymore.

On a side note, Wife slept in my bed last night... but only for a bit, since I always work nights. Nothing happened but it was nice to feel not so alone...

- Mouse

Elbow/ Music/ Messages

I believe in music again.

For a long time I have been completely disenchanted with the music industry. I hadn't heard a band that touched me or even came close to sounding like art. It was all money makin bullshit crap churned out of a committee and put in the lap of some idiot blond or a rebellious in shape guy...

I was at a concert the other night and the opening act was "Elbow." I don't think I took a breath through Starling. One day like this was just as amazing. One said everything I think, the other everything I wish for. And the music is so beautiful and perfect...

Starlings

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4YdmSclJA8

One Day Like This

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hk2xaeXnxlM&feature=related

These 2 songs are so amazing I dont even want to listen to the rest of the album. I dont ever want to be disappointed. These songs have inspired me to drop notes of love everywhere I go. Im going to bring a permanent marker and write things like "Love is always looking for you" and "You are made of stardust" on rocks and leave them on beaches or wherever I find them. I thought up the idea (which I now realize is a standard wedding thing) when I heard the amazing chord change and the singer bellow "Holy Cow, I love your eyes."

I also want to find some random addresses and send anonymous love notes that are the same. Not just in my town but around the world. If you know of an address, please tell me. Finding random addresses is hard to do.

Its also kinda made me feel like there is no woman in my life that makes me feel this way. Maybe no woman makes me feel this way because I dont feel this way about myself. I refuse to abandon my feeling that I am supposed to do something great, and that gives me a major feeling of inadequacy. Like Im not living up to my destiny or potential.

Sit with me a while

And let me listen to you talk about

your dreams and your obsessions

I'll be quiet and confessional

The violets explode inside me

when I meet your eyes

Then I'm spinning and I'm diving

Like a cloud of starlings

Darling is this love?

- 'Mouse