Bed/ Head/ Instead

Why am I so tired?

I went to bed at midnight.. slept til noon and now its midnight and Im tired again. Maybe I am have some disease or something.

So my business purchase is getting kinda weird. One of the big contracts I was buying is unhappy with their current service so I may have to take over sooner than expected... When I asked Wife to help out, she said she wouldnt so I guess I have a lot of hiring to do. At least if I get divorced I dont have to worry about her getting half my company for supporting me while I grew it. Theres been very little support.

Im trying to come up with a way I can afford a Queen size bed by the end of July. Id like to have one ready for my anniversary but theyre SO expensive. I didnt pay 2000 dollars for my car... but thats what a bed will cost...

Ugh.. this entry sucks but Im tired and cant think straight. All Im thinking about is if Wife catches me doing things Im not supposed to.. and how ZEN I am about it all. I mean, I'd try and keep her but if I couldnt.. theres so much other stuff I could do.

Scale of 1 to 10 - How big a douche does that make me?

Try again, Dream again, Fool Again

So.. Ive half written about 4 blogs now... maybe I'll actually finish this one.

So whats new... Well... Wife has been kind to me.. though its fading a bit. As always I hope that this is the start of a new chapter. We went looking for beds. A Queen at least will be required if we are to get back to the same bedroom situation.

Whats interesting is that there hasnt been sex in awhile. Ive hinted a few times, but she has stayed up or whatever. There is always this awkwardness when one goes to bed. Its almost less enjoyable than sex is ENjoyable... so sometimes I slip away quietly.

I think I may have been fooling myself all those times I said I wasnt interested in Cheryl. Ive been having a lot of little fantasies about sharing a bed with her on vacation. Quite out of nowhere.. and they make me very happy...

In business news, I guess I will be buying Ron's company. He has no time for it, and I do. If all goes well I will bill 6 figures next year, which I think is good for a company I started outta nothin.

Man I need sleep...

What should I do with myself.. the new and exciting world, or hold on the the past... I never can tell...

Land of the Lost/ Lost In Translation/ Lost in Life

What a day.. phone rang early (and by early I mean 9am) and woke me up. It was this guy who is supposed to be doing some work at the office.. said he's be by Thursday.. whatever. I went downstairs and talked to Wife who was being particularly cold to me. She then changed her Facebook status to something about being unsure and that just pissed me off. I hate when people send private messages via facebook status. So I went back downstairs and she said she felt like we are growing distant. An interesting accusation from someone who won't sleep in the same room as me anymore. I smoothed it over as best I could but she was still "distant" all day. Maybe she is gearing up to leave. Truthfully... I'd be fine with that. I can't initiate it, and whenever I try to work on our relationship its met with anger or resentment... It may be time.. I just don't know what to do.

I went back upstairs and tried to sleep as much of the day away as I could. Then I got up and went out to buy things for the office. To be honest.. I just wanted to be away.

Everyday I have this very cool book I got for Wife that I noticed she tossed in a garage sale bin once. I took it out and I write in it. Usually just a sentence or two... today I wrote "Every Day You Break My Heart"

Tonight I go out with the guys. Its my commiserate day. Gonna bring a pal to the office and then grab a beer. Then off to that Land of the Lost movie with a few other friends. Looks terrible, but whatever.

As I sorted out my crap, I came across "Lost In Translation" Just the disc. I love that movie. I havent watched it yet... I want to very badly.

What does Bill Murray say to her at the end of the movie? What do you think?

Late for Date/ Personal Hate/ Masturbate

I am feeling quite emo... and the slow music isnt helping, but hey... Im downish.

I was gonna go visit an Internet friend who had been begging me to come visit a few weeks ago. Ive always been very freaked about meeting Internet people. They tend to have high expectations and all I ever want to do is be a friend. But whatever, I cleared my night and she cleared her day. Ooops. We figured we could still hang for a bit... I thought we'd meet halfway thus giving us hours to hang out... We're 3 hours apart so 1.5 each way was gonna get is in contact at like 7 or 730. Good enough for a few drinks and then a goodbye. That wasnt the case.. I was expected to travel the full 3 hours... a 6 hour round trip... Ok fine. I'm a sport. So I got home at like 530 and went online and she was being all pissy. I said whats wrong? She said "Kinda pissed I wasted my whole day" I asked her why she wasted her day and she logged off. So I sent her an offline message saying I got home as quick as I could, cancelled some stuff I was gonna regret to get back for when I did. If that wasnt good enough, sorry.

She sent me some BS message back and I havent spoken to her since. I dont need crazy in my life thanks. An old coworker also wanted a job with me and my new business. I told her Id keep her in mind, but the last thing I remember hearing from her was a giant psycho meltdown about some stupid event pictures. I don't need crazy in my life.

I've been thinking about writing a book. Autobiography of me, called Tales of Nobody. My life is quite weird. But maybe every ones is. Like I have to go to this wedding for my cousin who is four years younger than me. I always dodge her because when we were young we used to play touchy feely, which was just us examining eachothers naked bodies. It was innocent, but I was naive and probably at an age where I should have known what was up... but I didnt. We went to a nudist camp with our families and I didnt really understand what an erection was. This was all just us trying to make sense of things, and have fun too. Now when I look back, I feel terribly guilty about it. She used to dress up my penis and draw faces on it or put clothes on it.. and we'd laugh... then I'd draw on her or whatever else we were doing.

One time she put this elastic beeded necklace on and a few other things, and we had been playing for hours it seemed... then i got a strange sensation and I started to come. The kind of stream that comes from hours of buildup and before that, years of nothing... It was everywhere. It was the first time I ever really came. I didnt masturbate (I shared a room with my sister and also was afraid of the social stigma) She didnt want to play again for a long time... though we did get back to playing... but this incident was just one more thing I didnt understand. I always want to ask her about it.. or explain myself. I can't... I just avoid her. I dont know what else to do.

Sometime I really hate myself. This is one of the things that takes me to that place...

Catch Up/Match Up/Up Til Now

Well its been awhile.

I started blogging at this other place but I just cant be myself and what I really want is somewhere to bare my soul. I dont know if Im searching for understanding or just a friendly ear that may not even be there. But whatever it is... It feels like it might be here.

It feels like when I was young and confused and upset, I used to talk to this program called Dr.Sbaitso. It was an early attempt at a conversational program. It would also read whatever you wanted it to, but I used to talk to it, knowing there were no answers coming.. but being comforted that someone was at least listening.

Since my last blog entry there is much to discuss, so in a nutshell... business is growing slowly. I rented an office and am currently setting it up. Wife went away for a few days and sent me some sweet texts.. I sent some back... I had been spending a few days with Cheryl, who I am not allowed to be friends with. Just a few moments and I forgot how much she made me smile. I felt guilty about spending this time with Cheryl and once again I recommitted myself to my marriage... but my wife returned cold. We still havent spent a night in the same bed.

Please dont think I am talking sex. A long time ago I came to the conclusion that if I found the perfect companion, sex would not be necessary. I mean.. Id be a little frustrated.. but I could sacrifice that part for the rest. What I am talking about is the intimacy, and the caring. The bond that is created between two people who are so close to each other that they spend every moment they can together. I dont have that and as I write... I can feel a lump forming in my throat.

Ron has his problems too. As he planned his exit from his marriage (A well deserved exit) his wife has found herself pregnant with his child. What a bitch. We were wondering why she was suddenly "into" intimacy with Ron. Turns out she secretly went of the pill. Guess Ron shoulda got the snip.

Enter a social site which I blundered into being on. This site is full of forward thinking beautiful women and they are all into me... well.. not all of them... but many like me. I'm being invited to parties all over North America and some have even offered to pay my way there! Of course I decline and say I'll try and make it.. but secretly I know I can't. Or won't. I know that sex will be thrown at me like crazy (I am not that good looking.. I am not sure what all this is about) and I dont know how many times I can turn it down. I'd like to think that I can a lot, but a few drinks or some unintentional narcotic intake and I don't know where my head would be. Maybe it'd be good for me. All I see is the end of my current life... not able to see the beginning of a new one.

Ok... So enough drudgery, I read Shatners book "Up Till Now" and I have to say its pretty good. It was given to me for free, and I peeled through it. I'm not a Shatner fan... but I am now. I wanna go rent Boston Public.. or Legal... I forget which one he's on...

Ok this is long enough. I'm back, friends... Sorry for the absence

-Mouse

And I think it's gonna be a long long time
Till touch down brings me round again to find
I'm not the man they think I am at home
Oh no no no I'm a rocket man
Rocket man Burning out his fuse up here alone