I am feeling quite emo... and the slow music isnt helping, but hey... Im downish.
I was gonna go visit an Internet friend who had been begging me to come visit a few weeks ago. Ive always been very freaked about meeting Internet people. They tend to have high expectations and all I ever want to do is be a friend. But whatever, I cleared my night and she cleared her day. Ooops. We figured we could still hang for a bit... I thought we'd meet halfway thus giving us hours to hang out... We're 3 hours apart so 1.5 each way was gonna get is in contact at like 7 or 730. Good enough for a few drinks and then a goodbye. That wasnt the case.. I was expected to travel the full 3 hours... a 6 hour round trip... Ok fine. I'm a sport. So I got home at like 530 and went online and she was being all pissy. I said whats wrong? She said "Kinda pissed I wasted my whole day" I asked her why she wasted her day and she logged off. So I sent her an offline message saying I got home as quick as I could, cancelled some stuff I was gonna regret to get back for when I did. If that wasnt good enough, sorry.
She sent me some BS message back and I havent spoken to her since. I dont need crazy in my life thanks. An old coworker also wanted a job with me and my new business. I told her Id keep her in mind, but the last thing I remember hearing from her was a giant psycho meltdown about some stupid event pictures. I don't need crazy in my life.
I've been thinking about writing a book. Autobiography of me, called Tales of Nobody. My life is quite weird. But maybe every ones is. Like I have to go to this wedding for my cousin who is four years younger than me. I always dodge her because when we were young we used to play touchy feely, which was just us examining eachothers naked bodies. It was innocent, but I was naive and probably at an age where I should have known what was up... but I didnt. We went to a nudist camp with our families and I didnt really understand what an erection was. This was all just us trying to make sense of things, and have fun too. Now when I look back, I feel terribly guilty about it. She used to dress up my penis and draw faces on it or put clothes on it.. and we'd laugh... then I'd draw on her or whatever else we were doing.
One time she put this elastic beeded necklace on and a few other things, and we had been playing for hours it seemed... then i got a strange sensation and I started to come. The kind of stream that comes from hours of buildup and before that, years of nothing... It was everywhere. It was the first time I ever really came. I didnt masturbate (I shared a room with my sister and also was afraid of the social stigma) She didnt want to play again for a long time... though we did get back to playing... but this incident was just one more thing I didnt understand. I always want to ask her about it.. or explain myself. I can't... I just avoid her. I dont know what else to do.
Sometime I really hate myself. This is one of the things that takes me to that place...
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