Movies/Groovies/TVs

You know what I think would suit me just fine right now....

I think I want to rent a hotel room and just sit and watch the movies I love for a few days. Just sit with different types of cheese, some french bread and some pop. Movies would include...

• Lost In Translation
• American Beauty
• The Chipmunk Adventure
• The Life Aquatic
• My Blue Heaven
• L.A. Story
• Things To Do In Denver When You're Dead
• Lilo & Stitch
• Aurthur

And I'm sure a few others as they dawned on me... I dunno. Just feels like it would be good. I hate being analyzed when I watch movies, and laugh if you will but I cry during stitch and Chipmunks have good music.. like much better then it should have.... As for the others.. they all make me feel something... I'm not always sure what... but I often feel void of feeling... I lack passion in my life... I spend a lot of my life in fear... I hate that.

May get fired by my first client today... and that suits me fine. I got a rude note from the client and I was angry. It makes me laugh because if they had politely requested the extra service I would have done it no problem... but they were rude.. and so not only did I deny the service, (though I did offer it for additional cost) I raised their service fee effective September. My guess is they will cancel, but they are such a small account and such a HUGE headache all the time I cant be bothered with them...

Also my BIG client is being service by a new employee... I am very nervous and am gonna drive by in a little while to check in...

If is but a moment

Wonder where it all went

Just like in the movies

Just like in the movies

-'Mous

Help/ Whelp/ Yelp

So I was servicing a contract today and it was taking me awhile... Ron came out to the place I was working at and we were chatting business as I prepare to take over his company next week. I got a little behind (maybe 20 mins) and Wife came out to help and was just filthy to me all night. I came home and all she said was she was going to bed.

I just feel like I am always trying and am always getting shit on. I honestly say things like "Maybe if I do ____ , she'll stop hating me."

I just want to be loved. I want to be appreciated. I am a romantic, and while I cant do grand things all the time.. I DO like to do them when I can. I am adventurous. I like to do crazy things and leave in a car with an unknown destination. I would pick up today and leave to move to another country.

Years ago I had a dream that I was living in the British Virgin Islands with a Day job and a small house on the beach. I can still picture the house. I had a girl with me in a bikini who sold seashells on the beach to tourists and I mixed boat drinks at night for small groups of friends...

Wife said she was out of town today working for her company but I saw our car around town. She said she had borrowed another friends car which was more reliable to make the trip but when I called to see how she was our car was in the driveway. She said she was still out of town. While many parts seem possible, they dont hang together well. If she is borrowing her friends car, why would her friend drop the car back at our house before Wife returned home.. just makes for more trips... and then how did the friend get away from here... For a brief period i thought wife may have been covering something up, and I came to realize I was ok with that... as long as she makes the first move away from me, I can finish the job...

Guess I should head to bed.. I have an early service call tomorrow morning...

Cold cold heart

Hard done by you

Some things look better baby

Just passing through

And it's no sacrifice

Just a simple word

It's two hearts living

In two separate worlds

- 'mous

Surise/ Old Ties/ Realize

I sat by the lake today and watched the sunrise. It was cold and my teeth were chattering, but I listened to slow songs and enjoyed the colours and the dualism of seeing the sunrise and the moon still shine down, as though like myself, it wasn't yet ready to sleep.

I didnt want to come home, I was awake after servicing a midnight contract (which seems to be my "thing" these days) and I couldnt bare the thought of crawling into my empty bed, yet I knew I wasnt welcome in the bed that was occupied by my Wife.

I sent a message to an old friend today. We were internet friends years ago, and while she doesnt seem to have much time for me, Im hoping she can answer some questions for me. She recently got a divorce and is reevaluating her life but is steps ahead of me.

EXCERPT

.. how did you KNOW it was time for you and your ex to part ways. I feel in my relationship right now that its time.. and Ive felt that way for quite awhile... but then I get messages from her that say "I dont wanna end up like - "Insert troubled relationship friends names here" and I think... Wow.. she really wants to be with me... yet most of the time it seems like she doesnt care if Im around.

I guess Im just wondering what the signs were for you... who was the first to say it... was it mutual... did one of you take it hard... etc...

Call me a pussy but Ive never been good at leaving relationships because I dont like to hurt people.. .and I know that staying with someone for that reason is probably worse than just leaving, but it KILLS me to think Id be the cause of someone crying... Right now I feel like I am just the cause of indifference... And I feel like if I were to leave it would be completely selfish

This girl is beautiful beyond belief. She is very wise for her years and we have a lot on common. Not that I am trying to "get with" her... its just that since we have a lot of commonality (though I am not beautiful) and I think she could understand my headspace...

Ive been very emotional this past month. When I see a dead animal on the road I tear up. I imagine the fear of the poor animal, the suffering inflicted on it. I was driving in the country the other day and I had to pull over because I saw a dead raccoon and a young raccoon dead beside her. I imagines the mother being hit and the baby weeping at her side when its young life was also snuffed. I dont understand why people can see an animal and not stop or not care. Ive hit a bird and a rabbit in my life and I may as well have run over my own child. Though if my memory serves, the rabbit was fine... miraculously... And once with Ron we hit a deer, but it also seemed to have survived...

Ron seems to be stepping back from our bar idea... thats fine. I have decided that relying on people is the great folly of my life. It is a very cold realization, but whenever I have made big plans with another, they always fall through.. when they rest on MY shoulders alone, they almost always succeed. I just lack the confidence to do things alone. But perhaps, I am destined to be alone in all my endeavors.

When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful

Every hour we spent together, lives within my heart

And when she was sad, I was there to dry her tears

And when she was happy, so was I,

When she loved me.

Dreams/ Schemes/ Seems

Dreams are Bastards.

I was having a lovely dream that is slipping away from me. I dreamt I was on a sideroad, riding a bicycle on my way to someplace on a scavenger hunt of some sort. I got a clue and was for whatever reason on my way.

As I cycled, a girl I know... though it is unclear weather or not I knew her in the dream... cycled up near me. I smiled and she smiled and we got to talking. It struck me what a fantastic warmth was behind the smile. I knew she was on the same hunt as me (as in dreams, we tend to have an odd access to information) and she was asking me what I was doing out here. I said the same thing she was, and she asked if she could see what I had (from the hunt) and I looked at her with a confidence I lack in my own life and said "isn't that a THIRD date" kind of thing.

She laughed and said "THIRD date.. when was our first and I told her we should ride our bikes on a scavenger hunt for our first date..." Then I woke up in my cold lonely room and was mad. I was so happy in the dream and I woke to the shadows of the room that torments me.

I think I'll go back and try to escape for awhile...

These dreams go on when I close my eyes.

Every second of the night,

I live another life.

These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside,

Every moment I'm awake,

The further I'm away.

Innocence/ In Denial/ Indigestion

Man I wish I was young again. Im really yearning for a simpler time in my life where the only future I worried about was Saturday morning and what cartoons to watch. Im listening to the Hot Fudge song (here) and thinking about Transformers and Gummi Bears and Punky Brewster... Then I think about my future now and what I want to do and it all seems so insurmountable.

Wife is getting more and more distant. My working night shifts hasnt helped, but even if I didnt, she isnt in my bedroom, still opting for her own room even after I bought the bigger bed she insisted was the problem. At least as I trudge to my room to sleep alone when i return home around 6AM I can fool myself into thinking its because of the shift instead of the reality that stabs me in the gut when I think of it. In fact now I make up stories of being tired so I can slip to sleep earlier as to avoid to the awkward goodnight kiss... then the terrible walk to MY bed...

I sometimes think that she doesnt care, then I get a message that says "I dont wanna end up like Ron and his Wife" and I think.. why would she send that out of the blue if it werent so... yet she seems to want nothing to do with me... and the longer she stays away, the more I see her flaws. And this makes me less attracted to her sexually, much less than if she were still laughing and cuddling into me like we did years ago.

Yes my marriage has all the warmth of the relationship one might have with a banker and indeed our conversations run similar as well, often turning to money as the one soul thing we have in common.. a bank account.

Maybe The World Is Blind

Or Just A Little Unkind

Don't Know

God I used to cry at Punky. When she was taken back to the orphanage.. I still tear up just thinking about it. After following her on Twitter for a bit though, I realize she isnt punky anymore and the fantasy is pretty dead. Not that I CURRENTLY fantasize about Punky.. more that she links me to my innocence.

You know.. I think my whole life may be a process of looking to be loved and pushing love away. I just want someone who honestly likes being around me. Someone to cuddle in my arm and watch old movies with me. Someone who laughs at AND with me. Its all Ive wanted since I was like 10 years old. I was never looking to "score" I was always looking for a girl who would just love me and want to be with me.

Im sorry... Im just laying in bed feeling sorry for myself today. The best part is as I seem to have zero followers... It seems my whining falls on deaf ears... which may be for the best.

Also I went to my cousins wedding and from the second I got there I wanted to leave.. I ate and left as soon as I could, came home and went to sleep as I had to work at 1AM.. It was awkward.. she touched my shoulder doing the rounds and all i felt was a shock of shame flow through my body... Our past doesnt seem to bother her... maybe I need therapy...

Alone/Lonely/Need A Loan

Does anyone else feel lonely?

I'd give anything right now for a friend to go for a drive with. My friends are all sleeping though and Wife is in bed. I kissed her goodnight tonight and nearly cried. The distance is growing and I fear I won't be able to see her on the other side of the shore.

Our cat is home. She has been sick and we have to force feed her. I tried to cheer myself up by buying a Blackberry, but the kiss goodnight has taken the wind from my sails.

I wonder how hard it is to actually find someone you are happy with. I dont know of anyone who is married who lives a TV life, where they cuddle and love and confide. I only know of the ones that are unhappy, and have to cover up other parts of their lives to be happy. I just dont get it. I just wish I knew if this was normal or if there was something more.

2 more hours and I can go back and play with my blackberry.. until then I dont know what Ill do...

I wait

I pray its not too late

We came so far

Just a beat of a lonely heart

And its mine

I dont want to be alone

Gone, but not out of sight

Im caught in the rain and theres no one home

Face the heat of the night

The one that you loves got a heart thats made of stone

Im a Pussy/ Sick Pussy/ No Pussy

See... Still not a single night with Wife sleeping in my bed. Im almost to the point where I think if another girl offered herself to me Id take it. Ive never left Wife because I could never hurt her.. but when I trudge to my bedroom and tear up every night... well its starting to weigh heavy on my heart.

Change of subject.. My cat is sick. We took her to the vet who said give her these pills and we`ll see what happens... not very reassuring. She just lays on the bed and does nothing. At least her fever seems to have lifted.

In business news, I have purchased Rons company and have been working like a mad fool. Still getting the hang of it, but theres girls there and they look goo right about now. I`m at a point where even a girl talking to me feels like flirting.

I guess Im just sad.

Ive been thinking a lot about Cheryl. I dont think shes interested in me or anything... but you know... if I could find a girl like her whos fun and pretty and liked being around me... I dunno...