Man I wish I was young again. Im really yearning for a simpler time in my life where the only future I worried about was Saturday morning and what cartoons to watch. Im listening to the Hot Fudge song (here) and thinking about Transformers and Gummi Bears and Punky Brewster... Then I think about my future now and what I want to do and it all seems so insurmountable. Wife is getting more and more distant. My working night shifts hasnt helped, but even if I didnt, she isnt in my bedroom, still opting for her own room even after I bought the bigger bed she insisted was the problem. At least as I trudge to my room to sleep alone when i return home around 6AM I can fool myself into thinking its because of the shift instead of the reality that stabs me in the gut when I think of it. In fact now I make up stories of being tired so I can slip to sleep earlier as to avoid to the awkward goodnight kiss... then the terrible walk to MY bed...
I sometimes think that she doesnt care, then I get a message that says "I dont wanna end up like Ron and his Wife" and I think.. why would she send that out of the blue if it werent so... yet she seems to want nothing to do with me... and the longer she stays away, the more I see her flaws. And this makes me less attracted to her sexually, much less than if she were still laughing and cuddling into me like we did years ago.
Yes my marriage has all the warmth of the relationship one might have with a banker and indeed our conversations run similar as well, often turning to money as the one soul thing we have in common.. a bank account.
God I used to cry at Punky. When she was taken back to the orphanage.. I still tear up just thinking about it. After following her on Twitter for a bit though, I realize she isnt punky anymore and the fantasy is pretty dead. Not that I CURRENTLY fantasize about Punky.. more that she links me to my innocence.
You know.. I think my whole life may be a process of looking to be loved and pushing love away. I just want someone who honestly likes being around me. Someone to cuddle in my arm and watch old movies with me. Someone who laughs at AND with me. Its all Ive wanted since I was like 10 years old. I was never looking to "score" I was always looking for a girl who would just love me and want to be with me.
Im sorry... Im just laying in bed feeling sorry for myself today. The best part is as I seem to have zero followers... It seems my whining falls on deaf ears... which may be for the best.
Also I went to my cousins wedding and from the second I got there I wanted to leave.. I ate and left as soon as I could, came home and went to sleep as I had to work at 1AM.. It was awkward.. she touched my shoulder doing the rounds and all i felt was a shock of shame flow through my body... Our past doesnt seem to bother her... maybe I need therapy...
No comments:
Post a Comment