Surise/ Old Ties/ Realize

I sat by the lake today and watched the sunrise. It was cold and my teeth were chattering, but I listened to slow songs and enjoyed the colours and the dualism of seeing the sunrise and the moon still shine down, as though like myself, it wasn't yet ready to sleep.

I didnt want to come home, I was awake after servicing a midnight contract (which seems to be my "thing" these days) and I couldnt bare the thought of crawling into my empty bed, yet I knew I wasnt welcome in the bed that was occupied by my Wife.

I sent a message to an old friend today. We were internet friends years ago, and while she doesnt seem to have much time for me, Im hoping she can answer some questions for me. She recently got a divorce and is reevaluating her life but is steps ahead of me.

EXCERPT

.. how did you KNOW it was time for you and your ex to part ways. I feel in my relationship right now that its time.. and Ive felt that way for quite awhile... but then I get messages from her that say "I dont wanna end up like - "Insert troubled relationship friends names here" and I think... Wow.. she really wants to be with me... yet most of the time it seems like she doesnt care if Im around.

I guess Im just wondering what the signs were for you... who was the first to say it... was it mutual... did one of you take it hard... etc...

Call me a pussy but Ive never been good at leaving relationships because I dont like to hurt people.. .and I know that staying with someone for that reason is probably worse than just leaving, but it KILLS me to think Id be the cause of someone crying... Right now I feel like I am just the cause of indifference... And I feel like if I were to leave it would be completely selfish

This girl is beautiful beyond belief. She is very wise for her years and we have a lot on common. Not that I am trying to "get with" her... its just that since we have a lot of commonality (though I am not beautiful) and I think she could understand my headspace...

Ive been very emotional this past month. When I see a dead animal on the road I tear up. I imagine the fear of the poor animal, the suffering inflicted on it. I was driving in the country the other day and I had to pull over because I saw a dead raccoon and a young raccoon dead beside her. I imagines the mother being hit and the baby weeping at her side when its young life was also snuffed. I dont understand why people can see an animal and not stop or not care. Ive hit a bird and a rabbit in my life and I may as well have run over my own child. Though if my memory serves, the rabbit was fine... miraculously... And once with Ron we hit a deer, but it also seemed to have survived...

Ron seems to be stepping back from our bar idea... thats fine. I have decided that relying on people is the great folly of my life. It is a very cold realization, but whenever I have made big plans with another, they always fall through.. when they rest on MY shoulders alone, they almost always succeed. I just lack the confidence to do things alone. But perhaps, I am destined to be alone in all my endeavors.

When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful

Every hour we spent together, lives within my heart

And when she was sad, I was there to dry her tears

And when she was happy, so was I,

When she loved me.