Still Alive

I'm still alive.

Sorry, I'm trying to find a way to make blogging fit my life. I do find it helpful to write everything down. I started a twitter account. I have another one for the bright and shiny me, but I need one so when things happen I can kinda let it out. Anyway, if you care it's Twitter.com/TalesOfNobody. It'll be a lot of song lyrics Im guessing.

So somehow still married. It always feels like Im standing two steps away from the edge of a cliff. Wife and I worked together recently (I own my own business) and she wouldn't do things the way I asked her. It didn't matter that Ive owned my own company for ten years, she knew better. It's like she makes up things to fight about.

My company sucks. Can't wait to get out of it.

I'm not a great looking guy but I have girls wanting me all the time. They say I'm nice and sweet and good looking. I can never figure out why I can never make Wife happy. I'm trying a big surprise for her birthday in a few months... hoping it'll help....

Island, Empires and Audio

Time for an update. Though I have few (if any) readers, I do enjoy having time to spread my thoughts out and organize them in a way that is therapeutic.

I went to a wedding yesterday and had a good time with my friends. Wife was supposed to come but bailed out so I was going to take a girl I know but that didnt pan out as she didnt want to give the wrong idea. I told her everyone knew we were friends, that I was married etc.. but that wasnt good enough. I'm not sure when it happened but at some point I became very undesirable, which is weird, because after seeing myself in my suit last night... I was pretty good looking.

So here is some back story. Kayla (the girl who didnt want to give people the wrong idea) and I have been hanging out a lot. Her boyfriend dumped and all her friends were shared friends of his (including me) but the situation was bad and I took her side. We hang out now and I am one of her few friends. Thats all I want to be.. although sometimes... I think more would be good. She is quick to point out I am not her type (ie. too fat)

The wedding was fine. It was good to hang with some friends and have drinks and destress because work has been killing me. I seriously wish I was back on the Percs... i felt WAY better then.

I am so sick of my company. I need to just go legit (right now most pay is under table) and see where my finances leave me. Then do something else. I just dont have time and am not confident enough to do it.

I just listened to the audiobook "Street Gang" which I recommend. I love stories of how empires come to be and this one was about Sesame street. It was fascinating. If you can suggest anything else in that vein please let me know. Also... if you like that kind of book... check out "Losing My Virginity" by Richard Branson and "Walt Disney:Triumph of the American Imagination."

I dont know what I want. Some days I want to build companies, some days I want to go on wild adventures and some days I want to live a quiet life on an island somewhere... Is everyone this uncertain?

I think I'm going to sleep.

Ends & Outs

Well I must be a glutton for punishment because I decided to do this Depression Quiz online and the results were not too good.

Now I can't decide if I should actually go see someone or not. Even if I wanted to... I dont have a doctor. I can't take time off work so I'm not too sure what I can hope to accomplish even if I get a diagnosis.

Speaking of unhealthy things I do, an old friend messaged me today and we chatted for half an hour. I crushed this girls heart. Didn't mean to. I was trying to fix her up and in doing so I got emotionally attached. She says she is better for having had a relationship with me. I still felt bad... but maybe the ends justified the means.

Anyways.. here is the result from my quiz.

Your score is: 37

The likelihood that you have major or clinical depression is high.

You should see a trained health professional to confirm the diagnosis and discuss what treatment might be best for you. Some people with depression begin to feel that nothing will make them feel better. This is an expected feeling when you are depressed. You need to talk with someone about how depression is treated today and learn more about the large number of people like yourself who have recovered.

The CESD or Center for Epidemiologic Studies Depression Scale was developed in the late 1970s and has been completed by thousands of individuals in medical settings and studies. The CESD is designed to find individuals who have major or clinical depression. Almost 85 per cent of those found to have depression after an in-depth structured interview with a psychiatrist will have a high score on the CES-Depression Scale.

On the other hand, about 20 per cent of those who score high on the scale will have their symptoms resolve quickly and not turn out to have major or clinical depression. Anyone who has a high score on the CESD should discuss their symptoms with a health professional they trust within two weeks, or earlier if necessary. Deciding to seek care is not easy because people frequently feel depression will go away on its own. But delaying treatment can be dangerous and help is available.

Please note: You should not take this score to represent a mental disorder diagnosis. Always consult with a trained mental health professional if you are experiencing depressive feelings or difficulties in your daily life that cause you anxiety or worry.

Choices

I came across old pictures of myself and Wifes sister. I forgot how much I liked her. And how much she liked me. She has completely changed since, but still... it made me remember some things. I see in the pictures how much she liked me. We hung out almost every day and now I go a month without hearing from her.

Its funny how people change when they get serious with someone. At the time I didn't want to be "with" her, I just wanted to spend time with her. And I kinda wished Wife was more like her. I don't know. I feel like the best years of my life... I fucked them all up and now all that's left is a few decades of boredom and unhappiness.

I would never cheat, but I feel like my world might be a little more bearable if I had sex with someone else... just to try it out. *sigh* I've had lots of chances, but I've never cashed in on them. again... good chance that making a few wrong decisions early on would have lead to a better outcome.

Happy Pills

I think I have just realized that I live my life trying to fix other peoples problems because I feel powerless to solve my own. I am bored. CHRONIC bored... with everything. With my life, my marriage, my business, my friends... everything.

On the weekend I took some painkillers I had laying around the house in an attempt to not feel crappy for a few hours. It was a little scary because I am frightened of becoming addicted to something. But for a few hours... everything didn't suck. I don't know what this means for the future. Weighing a possible problem against an absolute one seems a little weird.

The boredom is unbearable. I feel so stuck. In EVERY way.

Suggestions?

Back to my seldom updated blog that let's me vent, confess and reflect.

Morning will be dawning soon and it will make little difference to me. I find I hide in my bedroom these days so I dont have to face the emptiness of my marriage. I always hold out hope that wife and I will mend things, but I just don't know.I was looking at pictures of her and us when we were younger and she had this infectious smile. A smile of just complete happiness. I realized tonight that I haven't seen that smile in years.

I miss my parents. They go away every winter but this year I really miss them. Its weird.

Numb

It sure has been awhile, but Halloween seems like as good a time as any to post about the demons within. Though demons doesnt seem like the right word.

I've been watching Dexter and its kinda scary how much I identify with the main character. He's a serial killer, which I am not, but I do feel this ridiculous emptiness most of the time. I feel numb, and I hate it. I know theres more emotion out there because I listen to music and feel it... but when I turn off the music, all I feel is empty and numb.

Switching to work, things are busy but I would like them to be busy. I want another client, and I screwed up a quote not too long ago. Still bugs me.

I dont think I told the blog, but I went on a secret vacation. I went with two friends and one was Cheryl. We slept in the same bed but it wasn't anything sexual. It was nice for me to feel another person in my bed. I woke her up every morning by brushing her hair with my fingers, and she'd roll over and smile, or smirk at the early hour. It was just... nice. Nice to feel like someone gave a crap and appreciated me.

As for me and wife... we are still married, sleeping in different rooms and we find out in a few weeks if she is pregnant. If she isnt... I dont know what I'll do. Part of me feels like she'd be happier without me, and part of me feels like she'd jump off a building.

I feel empathy for other people, so thats something I guess. I just want to feel happy.