Cops/Cash/Carefree

Wow.. it's been awhile. Sadly there's not a whole lot to say. I've just been screwing around, doing nothing. I went out and did a little advertising last night. Dropping off some flyers at some potential clients. It was late at night and we probably looked like idiots. I went with Ron of course. Only HE is crazy enough to go with me when I decide that 1AM is a good time to distribute flyers.

Actually, we went for a small walk to walk off a little caffine and were stopped by a cop. For some reason... It was weird.. we came up the sidewalk towards my car and he was peering in.. then he asked us a thousand questions about what we were doing out so late and checked our ID's... what we were planning to do next.. I just wanted to say Fuck You.. Im driving to your house to Fuck your wife. Fuckin cops so full of themselves. I'll grant it was a little late, but here's this cop who looked like he got his ass kicked all through high school givin me grief and asking me why I was parked in a parking lot and walking on a popular city walkway. Jack Ass.

We then went down to the Casino where I won a small Jackpot. It was exciting to me because I never win anything.. it was only 140 bucks but still.. made me feel special.

It's 430 and I'm still in my pajamas. Guess I should get dressed and face the worls.. I just needed some sleep today. I have invoicing to do and a few other things...

'Mouse

"Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth."
- Albert Einstein

Defense/Offense/On The Fence

Wow what a day... I guess.. I came home for a "nap" and slept for 4 and a half hours. Feel good though :).

So yeah I didnt sleep well. I kept having weird dreams. Like, I had a dream that Miley Cyrus and I were friends and I was looking out for her at a show or something... This is a perfectly normal dream for a 12 year old girl, but I am a middle aged adult, I know NONE of Miley Cyrus's music and really have no interest in her at all. Strangely enough though, I find myself defending her dress for some reson. I thought it was pretty and all the sites have her on the worst dressed list... Shows what I know.

Cathy (Wife's sister) helps me with a contract a couple of times a week and today she went psycho bitch on me. Cathy is unreliable in most aspects of life so I always pick her up a little early for the contract. This way if there's a problem, I have time to fix it. She drove herself and got to the job site 5 minutes before the shift. When I tried to talk to her about it, she went crazy on me. As I contemplated who else I could get to fill her place, she came and apologized. It did open my eyes though, that a replacement could prove problematic.

Grandma had surgery last night and last I heard she was doing well. I think we are going to visit tomorrow, which will be good.

-'Mouse

“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
-Friedrich Nietzsche

Sisters/Strippers/Speed

Well I didn't write yesterday and now I am trying to recall the events that have occurred . I never did drive up to visit Wife's grandmother the other day. There was this whole convoluted argument going on between her and her sister. I was supposed to drive up with her sister to visit but then it all got stupid and we ended up not going.

Cathy (the sister) is ok, but she has recently had sex for the first time and has become quite self involved. It's very frustrating to see a girl you used to think was very cool, turn into every other girl you know. Not because I think she's a slut or anything... but as soon as the event "occurred" there was an instant change in her, and she got awy from being this wonderful, empathetic and intelligent person... to standard, self-centered, "I wanna work in a bar" chick. Quite sad.

In other news, Randy is home alone for the weekend with no money poor bugger. We watched a BluRay last night on his machine. He has a pretty sweet setup. Speed Racer, and I don't care who you are, if you thought Speed Racer wasn't good... you are wrong. And if you think I am wrong, then check the King of Comedy Ricky Gervais's Blog for a sobering view of his best and worst movies of 2008.

Excerpt:
5. Speed Racer -- I'm sick of defending this film. But fuck it, one more go. Look, you're wrong. It's as simple as that. If you haven't seen it, whatever you think of it, you're just wrong. If you have seen it and didn't like it, well... you don't understand what you saw. This film is so far ahead of its time the closest thing I can compare it to is 2001. So there. That's a hyperbolic statement I will live to regret. But, hyperbole is necessary sometimes to prove a point. This film is amazing. It's even important. It's amazing storytelling, it's technically leagues ahead of anything else and here is the main reason people hate it: it is like nothing that has even been before.

Its also cool to see him rag on Twilight:
1. Twilight -- Dear Fat Girls of America, I know times are tough. I know how it feels to be overweight, and unpopular, to feel that no one really understands you and to wallow away at night, lying in your big bed, snacking and wishing there was an effeminate vampire boy-child to come steal you away and show you how shiny he looks in the sunlight. (I don't). But this is not the answer. I say it again, ma'am: THIS IS NOT THE ANSWER. I know it's too late to stop this train, but let us all agree that the Twilight books make Harry Potter look like Proust. And even worse, the Twilight film makes Disaster Movie look like The Leopard.

Okay enough excerpts from Ricky Gervais's Blog.

Randy and I also chatted about going on a trip somewhere, just for the strippers. . I knew a stripper online and we thought about going to visit. Not for anything other than a visit. Does that sound weird? Maybe. Would it still be weird if I said we were gonna go visit this girl I know who sells used cars? Who's the whore in that duo? If you guessed the stripper... guess again.

In stupid news, I poked that girl I used to have a crush on on facebook. I actually spent a long time deciding weather to do it or not. I did not get poked back. I know she's been online since, cause there has been a status update. I guess I should let this one go.

Well, I guess I should get ready. I have a contract to work today. Randy's gonna come keep me company for some of it, which is good, cause this one will take awhile.

See ya soon, friends...

'Mouse

Sleepless/Sickness/Scores!

Wife's grandma almost died last night. I knew something was up when I won a season pass to a local hockey team. I was having a good day so I knew something had to give.

I feel bad because a few minutes after I heard the news, I started wondering if we were in the will. I mean Wife and I are kinda really in debt, and we could use some cash to help bail us out. We're surviving, but the debt stays the same or we dig a little deeper every month and it's kinda scary.

Grandma is doing better but we are still going for a visit today.

I didnt sleep all night. I think Wife stole a few of my pillows so my limbs kept falling asleep with nothing to prop them up. Plus, for some reason, this Tom Lehrer song was stuck in my head.

On the bright side, Gary enjoyed the Hockey game, and Tom showed up too. I won the Season pass I mentioned earlier and we enjoyed ourselves. The radio guy who did the MCing won the 50/50 draw. Seems a little fishy to me.

Well, I have to get up in 20 mins.. guess I should wrap this up.

Wish me luck.. this is gonna be a weird day.

'Mouse

Little Lads & Ladders

So tonight I am finally hanging out with my Little Brother. We're gonna catch a hockey game. It seems like forever since I've taken him out.

It's been a weird ride being a Big Brother. I mostly joined because my old boss said if I wanted to get ahead, I needed to do some charity work. Then I started doing charity work and was let go .

Anyways this is the part where you expect me to say how rewarding it is, but I'm not going to do that. I mean.. it is rewarding, but it's not what I thought. My little brother is a nice kid named Gary, but all I can hope for is to be a decent influence on him. I mean I get 3 hours a week and his regular living conditions get 6 days and 20 hours... All I can do is take him places and try to give him another reality to aspire to. Is it successful? Guess we'll see.

Something I learned about charities though, is there there are two levels in them. There are the volunteers and the committee members. It's kind of interesting because I joined a committee and it was filled with the rich people of the town and none of them volunteer time with a little brother. They ONLY raise money, and it was odd to see this cultural and sociological level from both points of view. I was very much looked down upon. Not in a mean way, more like if you had a 10 year old on your baseball team. "Just do your best and it'll all work out." I half expected them to tussle my hair.

It's strange to me how different people are. But keep that in mind if you aren't happy with the rung you are on in the world. People act different on each rung. Your action's dictate your place in society. If you look back you can see if you Rang the Right Ring for your Rung.... wtf?

'Mouse

Walkin/Workin/Jerkin

Booooooooored! Yeah it's one of those days. No clients today, and it's pissing rain out. I've been sitting in the house waiting for calls and masturbating. Yup... Big day. Ron just reminded me of this guy I was supposed to email though so I'll do that today.

What else. Wife and I are getting on a bit better. Seems to go day by day. Kind of like life, I guess. I was telling Ron that things were better for me personally when I didn't give a shit. When I actually made a decision to reinvest emotionally in my marriage, that's when I really started getting heart-broken.

The pity party was fine last night. I left early to take a walk with Ron. Then we didn't walk 'cause he was too much of a pansy in the cold. Now today it's rainy and there will be no walk... Oh well.

So.. how bout that Facebook. Man, don't be greedy, guys. I mean you have the market cornered for bored housewives, lonely teenagers and people who's lives are so boring they want to reconnect with people they would normally ignore, or duck into mall stores to avoid. Why do you think you need to own everything on there too. Just silly.

Well I guess Id better send that email and fit a nap in before 530...

-'Mouse

Stealing/Firing/Drinking

Well it's a good news bad news kinda day. I fired Randy. Which is to say, I came up with a fake reason why we no longer had the contract. I just hope he doesn't ask what I'm doing on those days. I'm spending hours doing something by myself of course...

But Karma has caught up with me (not that I think I did anything wrong... if anything, I gave Randy a month longer than most would have.) Some asshole kid stole my license plate so I had to get a new one. I looked into a vanity plate, but they were way too much money. So now I have a crappy new plate that I will never remember the number of.

Wife hasn't slept in my bed in about a week. She is making up excuses like we have different sleep scheds and stuff, which is valid, but it's a little emasculating having a wife who won't sleep in your bed. I'm not like repulsive or smelly or anything...

Yesterday I was so mad, that if I'd have had cash in the bank I'd have been in the wind... makes me wonder what she's thinking when she's playing passive aggressive. I ask her.. but she never tells me.

I don't want to put all my failings on Wife's shoulders... but sometimes it's hard to attribute anything positive either.

Gonna drink a few beers tonight with my negative friends.. been 3 weeks since I've seen them. WooHoo!!!! Pity Party!!!! Sometimes they are useful.

-'Mouse

Why Atheists Love Peace

You know.. I have a theory.

You see, I will gladly tell you that I am agnostic. I will somewhat more reservedly tell you I am atheist. At least as far as the whole Christianity thing goes. I believe there may be a cosmic consciousness or something greater than ourselves, but even thinking we can comprehend it is blasphemy. So saying that we understand "God's Will" is ridiculous. This is a guy/girl/it that kills babies in their sleep, allows rape of 8 year old girls, etc. etc. etc. I however do not wish to argue the existence of God. Rather to say that existing or not, the world would be better without him/her/it.

Now no matter what you chose to believe in, you believe that when you die you are going to a better place, which makes it very easy to kill yourself in this life. It "cheapens" life. How many people would join the military, or suicide bomb, or any of the other ridiculous things that we humans do, if we knew there was only one go around.

Would there still be cancer and other life taking diseases? People would be PISSED that their 12 year old boy just died of cancer, and that a cure had not yet been found. Of course the cure is stop dumping shit into the air... so it would be better for the environment as well. We can also look at other diseases and maybe Military spending could be diverted into an efficient health system, where scientists work TOGETHER instead of against each other.

If there is no "afterlife" then suddenly this life becomes pretty damn important. I refuse to believe that this life is an audition. The audition happened kids. You were the fastest sperm. Worst case scenario... you put on one hell of an audition...

-Mouse

Money/Mind/ Murder

WTF... seriously. Let me spell it out for you.. What... The... Fuck!

I'm a little pissed today. I'm looking to fire Randy as you know, but I'm going to do it in such a way that he thinks he hasn't been fired. It'll work. I made the decision because Wife said she'd come help me with a large contract, which is good.. it's like 10 hours all by yourself and I get very lonely and even depressed all by myself... with 2 it's more like 3-4 hours. Wife also told me we needed the money so this was a perfect solution.

Then wife said she didn't want to do it once I lined everything up, and that I should get her sisters hubby to come help... and if that's the case, why wouldn't I just keep Randy on? The idea was all the money from the contract. I said in frustration.. forget it.. I'll just do it by myself and be depressed. Answer: "Ok... that's probably best." Hard pill to swallow when you're wife won't give up 3 hours to save your mental state. I was really upset and went for a 2 hour drive.

In other news a friend of mine has a relative who has been charged with murder. Seems pretty cut n dry. She is fine though.. the friend. I imagine the cousin is being raped in a holding cell.

Wife is sitting on the couch. I don't even want to look at her. I know it seems like a minor thing to some... but your wife is supposed to be the person you can find shelter in. I'm a bit better now.

As I said to Tom today... there's no point in thinking about today, when tomorrow will be so amazing...

-'Mouse

Strippers/Work/Million Dollar Ideas

Well today Randy and I went to work out at a big subcontract. I think we were being punished because there was SO much work. What it did show me was that I was correct about Randy. He needs to move on from y company. I asked him to take a small contract and his own and he said he'd "Let me know." Not really an acceptable response to my way of thinking. He told me he was applying for another job... I hope he gets it.. it will spare me having to let him go.

My friend Ron went to the strippers last night. Something weird about strippers on Valentines Day. I can honestly tell you that I have never been to the strip clubs. He seemed to have had a good time though and I enjoyed the stories... maybe someday I'll go. Not today.

I'm definitely feeling the February Blahs. I have a podcast I do, completely unrelated to this blog and I haven't had the energy to do it. I feel bad. So many people love the show but I just dont feel like putting in the work... What shit.

Ron is going on a diet. Wife just said she is too. I guess I should jump on the turnip truck.

I have an online friend who was just layed off from work. Poor thing. Very nice single Mom/Web designer. I thought I came up with a pretty amazing web idea for her, but I haven't heard back. I told her I would gladly accept 10% of her net profits. When I told Ron the idea and how I hadnt heard back, he laughed and told me to get a lawyer... I don't worry about such things though. If the worst thing I do in life is give a million dollar idea to a very nice lady, then I've lived a good life. Plus I dont know how I'd explain it to Wife *lol*. She hates when I talk to anyone...

I hate that I have to have this secret life where I talk to people. I wish there was something I could do about it that doesnt start with "D."

On the bright side, the blog has really helped me keep my feelings in check. For anyone who reads this... I am more open and honest with you, then anyone else I know. I suppose that makes us Best friends :).

Take it easy friends. And if anyone knows a good voice changer, let me know. I'm thinking about doing a podcast, but I like anonymity.

Lies/Revenge/Valentines Day

Well well well. My blisters are going nuts. Ron and I have been walking every day for about 5 miles and my feet are not pleased. It'll all be worth it in the end though.

So it's Valentines Day and Wife is still sick. We're mostly sitting here watching old Game show repeats and little else. Kind of a boring day it looks like but thats ok.

I told my Mom I was taking a test for part 2 of this course I am supposed to be in. She was footing the bill for the course and she doesn't know I stopped taking it. It's not a good market to be getting into Real Estate and the cost is so high, she doesn't realize I am doing her a favour. I am saving her like 5,000 dollars and moving on with a career with more promise. She won't see it that way though.

I came up with a great joke I was gonna play on my old boss. Call me a jerk, but I have always been pissed that I worked for this guy for over 10 years and he couldn't even shake my hand when I was let go. He also kinda screwed over a good friend of mine, to put a girl he has a hardon for in his position. And it wasnt like a small promotion/demotion.. it was a HUGE senior position.

I was going to send her flowers from him and give instructions to the florist to call his home number when the order was out. Then either his wife picks up or a message is left on his machine. Wife says it could really make his life difficult... my response was "Not as difficult as it made mine when I was on the unemployment line." Lesson to my friends... don't piss me off. I gotta good evil brain up here that likes to get out for excercize.

-'Mouse

Walking/Gunning/Guessing

Yikes... I hurt. Ron and I went for a HUGE walk yesterday.. well huge for guys our size and today I'm a little stiff. Went to work nice and early today and am back nice and early as well. I have a few places to fax to and then my day is basically over.

Gonna go out with some friends tonight from my old job. Yeah I was fired after 10 years at my old job. It was good for me because I really felt frustrated there. I can't count the number of times I made the right call, but we went the other way and things ended up failing miserably. It's hard being right when nobody listens, and even though your track record is like 90-95% correct calls, they still follow the idiot who is almost always wrong. Don't get me wrong, the idiot is the boss, but the boss should have enough wisdom to see the pattern. Whatever.. I am out of there now, and I bring my track record to my OWN company, where it has paid off pretty well.

I feel bad that they fired me. If you talk to mist of the people I worked with, I was a very underpaid/under-utilized person. I was one of these guys who could do anything in a building, and had been in the business long enough to know the good choices and the mistakes. Unfortunately, rather than seeing me as a commodity, I think I was viewed as a threat. It's too bad, because I'm a pretty loyal guy. But it's good for me...

Basement flooded.. that was nice.. hopefully it dries out by tomorrow. I have a lot of work to do down there and I dont wanna be walking through feces.

I guess today's lesson is every person is a nightmare and an asset. It just depends how you treat them. If you want to fear me.. then fear me... Because I'm either coming WITH you.. or FOR you...

-'Mouse

Heroes, Zeros, and Happy Birthday Ron!

It's Rons Birthday today and I completely forgot. I suck. Happy Birthday Ron! I guess we're gonna go for a walk or drive. I'm going to try to convince him to go on a little adventure somewhere. Dont know where yet though.

So it was a weird night last night. Wife and I started talking about cheating couples and how difficult it was, and some tough times we went through. Then she brought up this girl that I was kind of fathering at the time. I know it sounds weird, but she was on drugs, and had been abused and was basically homeless, and I was kinda bringing her back. This made Wife upset and I found out she almost left me because of it.

Don't be mad at her though, I imagine it must have been difficult. She brought up a bunch of stuff last night that i dont even remember. I think she remembers things worse than they were, but because I only had pure and friend intentions, I didn't remember most of the things she brought up. I felt terrible that I had made her feel so bad. I was just trying to be a good person. I guess I failed.

Life seems to be about walking a tight rope. Don't be too good or too evil, you'll be punished for either. I just want to do good in the world. I want to leave the world a little better than I left it. Even if my only reason for living was to help turn one persons life around... At least there was a reason...

-'Mouse

Happiness, Working, Facebook

Well the day was a day alright. I had a new client today that I massively under-quoted. But it's ok... I'm still making money on the account, just less than I am used to. I think I'll just hire this one out to my friend Randy who is always happy to do this kinda stuff.

It was kind of weird. The receptionist who contacted me was showing me around. She is the person who originally contacted me and she informed me that someone would be in touch next week sometime, but that it wouldn't be her because she was getting layed off. Yikes. I played like she just told me she would be on vacation. She's nice though. Maybe she'll recommend us to her new boss when she finds a place.

Ron and I went for a nice long walk tonight. He is angry that his old flame has taken so much of his time lately, so he has quit facebook... 3 times today! Laughs... what a champ. It would seem though that third times the charm, because I dont see him on my friends list right now. I know he's not happy, so I try to just listen to his problems. Most people with problems just want you to listen... so that's what I try to do.

My wife is pretty down. She wants to quit her job, which we absolutely can't afford right now. I'd love to let her, but it's just not possible. She's mad about it, but I told her if she could find a new job, or find us enough new contracts to supplement the income lost, she could quit. She thinks I'm not being supportive, but we just scrape by now.

I sent my parents a message. They are selling their house and I was hoping they would consider selling it to me. I'd just need them to hold the mortgage or rent to own to us or something. The message I got back from them was a list of cleaning supplies they liked.... not a good sign... Oh well.

Well I have to do a little shopping to do. Think about happiness today. Did you know that people who lose a limb are exactly as happy as people who win the lottery. You chose weather or not to be happy. It's really all in your mind...

-'Mouse

Every Morning

When you wake up your day has limitless potential. The limits come in when you start cutting things out of your day as impossible. Some cutting is good. "I won't become a crack dealer today." But for me today feels like everything has been cut away.

I have a very long to do list and today really is the best day to get it done... but it just feels like the day will be wasted. The question is.. will I say "SCREW IT" and come on like a power house, or will I sit in my chair with my blanket and fade in and out of consciousness.

I'd like to think I'll do the latter and I'm going to try, but I just don't feel very motivated today. It kinda sucks.

My wife is upstairs quite ill. She thinks she has stomach flu or food poisoning. My hope is that it's morning sickness, though thats not normally present at this time. But normal is just a word. Here's hoping.

I was reading this girls facebook. She was my first big high school crush that I always regretted not asking out. Anyways, she had done one of those "Questions about me" things and it made me sad. She's married with kids, was (and still is) one of the prettiest girls I knew, and seems very intellectual.

Have you been in love: possibly
When you were little, you used to... dream
Kisses or hugs: I long to be held :-)
Do you think you're attractive: afraid not

It kind of makes you think, doesn't it? This poor girl seems to have a terrible mental image of herself, yet she has haunted my dreams since I was 13 years old. 20 years later she looks just as good.

Do you think anyone has a crush on you? 'Cause this girl doesn't...

-'Mouse

The Walking Dead

Remember that nap i was going to take... well I was plagued with phone calls and nightmares. I've been having lots of bad dreams lately which is very strange for me. I usually don't dream at all.

I dreamed that something was moving through a television screen and it looked at me, and was surprised I noticed it. Then it wouldn't leave me alone. It was very odd and disturbing.

Ron and I were going to go walking tonight to get things started on our "getting in shape" goals, but instead I got blown off for poker. It happens a lot with Ron. I try not to let it get to me.

My wife is home now and has a lot of energy. She thinks she'll be up late tonight but I just don't see me hanging around for that.

I play this silly online game and for the life of me I don't know why. My friends depend on me in this game, and i just want to delete it. Many of my friends are negative and I'd like to trim them from my life, but it makes me feel 2 faced and evil for thinking that. I skipped out last week on our usual beer night get together. I told them I was sick or something, I don't even remember. Hopefully I dont get caught in that lie 'cause I don't even remember it.

Do you ever find yourself sucked into this whole niche that you don''t even want to be a part of? Not sure what to do with myself.

Need to get my shit together tomorrow and get some pitches out.

Waking, Rivers, and Old Flames

I went to bed very early. I was so tired I could barely even function.. now a few hours later I am awake and watching TV.

I have to work in a few hours so I cant decide if I should just stay up or what. Im only working for a couple of hours today so i can always come home and nap... but I am so tired of my sleep schedule being off.

It's times like this you realize things that still haunt you. I find myself checking out my old highschool crush more and more. I'm not sure why. I think the human mind always wonders what might have been.

My wife and I are trying to have kids. We're doing the fertility thing and all that and we had another unsuccesful month. It's starting to get to her, but she won't talk to me about it. I often feel like we began a long walk together and ended up on either side of a river. We are still walking together but the river remains between us. It gets wider and thinner... but it is always there.

-'Mouse

Tired

Im just about to head out with a friend of mine named Tom.

Heh, it's kinda fun coming up with names for my friends. Obviously if I gave real names they'd be exposed and it'd be obvious who this 'mouse is.

Tom and I are gonna grab a beer which I sorely need. I was working today with another friend who I was hoping would be able to run one of my companies for me, but as much as he is trying, I just dont know if thats going to be possible.

I havent told him this yet of course. I'm not sure if Im hoping against hope... or if I'm just too lazy/chicken to break the news to him. I mean I never promised him he'd run it.. I just mentioned it was what I had hoped. Of course thats the kind of thing people always say who are trying to justify a position they know is wrong.

Ron and I are going to start walking at night. He wants to get in shape to try and rekindle a rrelationship with this girl he dated as a kid... I just want to not be slob *lol*

I just got off IM with a female friend who I always enjoy her online company, but she always wants to take it further. I'm running out of excuses. Obviously I want to keep her seperate from reality, because in reality I am married and my wife would hate that I am talking to a girl.

Let this be a lesson, if you want your husband to be honest all the time, don't give him a reason not to tell the truth. Then we feel like we have to lie about everything. And who even cares that I talk to a girl online.. it's never dirty or even flirty.. just friendly.

Whatever. I need this beer.

-'Mouse

Why Am I Here?

I don't mean in the crazy cosmic sense, I just felt I should explain why I decided to start a blog. Truth is I have a couple of blogs for various things, but nobody really knows who I am, what I do, or what makes me tick.

To tell you who I am is insanely difficult, because who I am varies from person to person.

I am at my truest when I am with my friend Ron. We are both married, he has kids and I do not.

He has one personality, which is the typical 2. Wife is around/Wife isnt around. Most guys have that. It's part of being a guy.

I have many incarnations of myself. Many of my friends don't know I'm married, and this is not in an effort to cheat or go trolling for girls... I have always been true and suspect I always will be.

Rather, the context in which I meet people tends to put them into groups. I have always found that "Single" me has more power over women. I always use it for good, never to get in some girls pants or anything. I never tell these people I am not married, I just never mention it, and if they do ask, I wave the question off. Crazy I know... but once you start down the hill... everything picks up speed.

Let's stop there. There's lots of time to get to know me, so the point of the post was an introduction. My name is Anonymous... you can call me 'Mouse for short.

This blog is to give me a sounding board about all my lives, and I hope you find some enjoyment in the posts to come...