Numb

It sure has been awhile, but Halloween seems like as good a time as any to post about the demons within. Though demons doesnt seem like the right word.

I've been watching Dexter and its kinda scary how much I identify with the main character. He's a serial killer, which I am not, but I do feel this ridiculous emptiness most of the time. I feel numb, and I hate it. I know theres more emotion out there because I listen to music and feel it... but when I turn off the music, all I feel is empty and numb.

Switching to work, things are busy but I would like them to be busy. I want another client, and I screwed up a quote not too long ago. Still bugs me.

I dont think I told the blog, but I went on a secret vacation. I went with two friends and one was Cheryl. We slept in the same bed but it wasn't anything sexual. It was nice for me to feel another person in my bed. I woke her up every morning by brushing her hair with my fingers, and she'd roll over and smile, or smirk at the early hour. It was just... nice. Nice to feel like someone gave a crap and appreciated me.

As for me and wife... we are still married, sleeping in different rooms and we find out in a few weeks if she is pregnant. If she isnt... I dont know what I'll do. Part of me feels like she'd be happier without me, and part of me feels like she'd jump off a building.

I feel empathy for other people, so thats something I guess. I just want to feel happy.

Dreams/ Time/ Lonliness

So... I've decided Cheryl isnt the girl of my dreams. Which leaves me in a weird place since... Ive always had a girl to dream about. It used to be Wife but as her love for me cooled, my passion was fanned elsewhere. Sometimes online, sometimes in life but there was always something. Now there is nothing. It's like a flame in the middle of a cold lonely desert.

I came to the conclusion about Cheryl when I sent her some songs that were very meaningful to me by a band I just discovered. I gave her a few days and when I saw her tonight, I asked what she thought. She said she hadnt listened and seldom listened to anything I sent. I then went to play it for her and she shut down my stereo in a playful way. Only for the first time... I wasn't amused. I wanted to share something that has been haunting me for days. I asked for 3 minutes of her time and she wouldnt grant it.

The same went with Wife. I sent her the song and while she did listen to it, she only listened to about 30 or 40 seconds then lost interest. Since when is a request of three minutes to much to ask someone you feel close to. Fuck, people give that to telemarketers they are too polite to hang up on.

The sun is coming up now and dawning a very uncertain time for me, though only you and I know that, or are likely to. All the people that are supposed to be very concerned with my life, are barely interested. Even one of the great people I knew online doesnt talk to me anymore... which is par for the course I guess with online pals.

Kiss me like the final meal

Kiss me like we die tonight

I want someone to make me feel like that. Does it exist? I really don't know anymore.

On a side note, Wife slept in my bed last night... but only for a bit, since I always work nights. Nothing happened but it was nice to feel not so alone...

- Mouse

Elbow/ Music/ Messages

I believe in music again.

For a long time I have been completely disenchanted with the music industry. I hadn't heard a band that touched me or even came close to sounding like art. It was all money makin bullshit crap churned out of a committee and put in the lap of some idiot blond or a rebellious in shape guy...

I was at a concert the other night and the opening act was "Elbow." I don't think I took a breath through Starling. One day like this was just as amazing. One said everything I think, the other everything I wish for. And the music is so beautiful and perfect...

Starlings

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4YdmSclJA8

One Day Like This

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hk2xaeXnxlM&feature=related

These 2 songs are so amazing I dont even want to listen to the rest of the album. I dont ever want to be disappointed. These songs have inspired me to drop notes of love everywhere I go. Im going to bring a permanent marker and write things like "Love is always looking for you" and "You are made of stardust" on rocks and leave them on beaches or wherever I find them. I thought up the idea (which I now realize is a standard wedding thing) when I heard the amazing chord change and the singer bellow "Holy Cow, I love your eyes."

I also want to find some random addresses and send anonymous love notes that are the same. Not just in my town but around the world. If you know of an address, please tell me. Finding random addresses is hard to do.

Its also kinda made me feel like there is no woman in my life that makes me feel this way. Maybe no woman makes me feel this way because I dont feel this way about myself. I refuse to abandon my feeling that I am supposed to do something great, and that gives me a major feeling of inadequacy. Like Im not living up to my destiny or potential.

Sit with me a while

And let me listen to you talk about

your dreams and your obsessions

I'll be quiet and confessional

The violets explode inside me

when I meet your eyes

Then I'm spinning and I'm diving

Like a cloud of starlings

Darling is this love?

- 'Mouse

Movies/Groovies/TVs

You know what I think would suit me just fine right now....

I think I want to rent a hotel room and just sit and watch the movies I love for a few days. Just sit with different types of cheese, some french bread and some pop. Movies would include...

• Lost In Translation
• American Beauty
• The Chipmunk Adventure
• The Life Aquatic
• My Blue Heaven
• L.A. Story
• Things To Do In Denver When You're Dead
• Lilo & Stitch
• Aurthur

And I'm sure a few others as they dawned on me... I dunno. Just feels like it would be good. I hate being analyzed when I watch movies, and laugh if you will but I cry during stitch and Chipmunks have good music.. like much better then it should have.... As for the others.. they all make me feel something... I'm not always sure what... but I often feel void of feeling... I lack passion in my life... I spend a lot of my life in fear... I hate that.

May get fired by my first client today... and that suits me fine. I got a rude note from the client and I was angry. It makes me laugh because if they had politely requested the extra service I would have done it no problem... but they were rude.. and so not only did I deny the service, (though I did offer it for additional cost) I raised their service fee effective September. My guess is they will cancel, but they are such a small account and such a HUGE headache all the time I cant be bothered with them...

Also my BIG client is being service by a new employee... I am very nervous and am gonna drive by in a little while to check in...

If is but a moment

Wonder where it all went

Just like in the movies

Just like in the movies

-'Mous

Help/ Whelp/ Yelp

So I was servicing a contract today and it was taking me awhile... Ron came out to the place I was working at and we were chatting business as I prepare to take over his company next week. I got a little behind (maybe 20 mins) and Wife came out to help and was just filthy to me all night. I came home and all she said was she was going to bed.

I just feel like I am always trying and am always getting shit on. I honestly say things like "Maybe if I do ____ , she'll stop hating me."

I just want to be loved. I want to be appreciated. I am a romantic, and while I cant do grand things all the time.. I DO like to do them when I can. I am adventurous. I like to do crazy things and leave in a car with an unknown destination. I would pick up today and leave to move to another country.

Years ago I had a dream that I was living in the British Virgin Islands with a Day job and a small house on the beach. I can still picture the house. I had a girl with me in a bikini who sold seashells on the beach to tourists and I mixed boat drinks at night for small groups of friends...

Wife said she was out of town today working for her company but I saw our car around town. She said she had borrowed another friends car which was more reliable to make the trip but when I called to see how she was our car was in the driveway. She said she was still out of town. While many parts seem possible, they dont hang together well. If she is borrowing her friends car, why would her friend drop the car back at our house before Wife returned home.. just makes for more trips... and then how did the friend get away from here... For a brief period i thought wife may have been covering something up, and I came to realize I was ok with that... as long as she makes the first move away from me, I can finish the job...

Guess I should head to bed.. I have an early service call tomorrow morning...

Cold cold heart

Hard done by you

Some things look better baby

Just passing through

And it's no sacrifice

Just a simple word

It's two hearts living

In two separate worlds

- 'mous

Surise/ Old Ties/ Realize

I sat by the lake today and watched the sunrise. It was cold and my teeth were chattering, but I listened to slow songs and enjoyed the colours and the dualism of seeing the sunrise and the moon still shine down, as though like myself, it wasn't yet ready to sleep.

I didnt want to come home, I was awake after servicing a midnight contract (which seems to be my "thing" these days) and I couldnt bare the thought of crawling into my empty bed, yet I knew I wasnt welcome in the bed that was occupied by my Wife.

I sent a message to an old friend today. We were internet friends years ago, and while she doesnt seem to have much time for me, Im hoping she can answer some questions for me. She recently got a divorce and is reevaluating her life but is steps ahead of me.

EXCERPT

.. how did you KNOW it was time for you and your ex to part ways. I feel in my relationship right now that its time.. and Ive felt that way for quite awhile... but then I get messages from her that say "I dont wanna end up like - "Insert troubled relationship friends names here" and I think... Wow.. she really wants to be with me... yet most of the time it seems like she doesnt care if Im around.

I guess Im just wondering what the signs were for you... who was the first to say it... was it mutual... did one of you take it hard... etc...

Call me a pussy but Ive never been good at leaving relationships because I dont like to hurt people.. .and I know that staying with someone for that reason is probably worse than just leaving, but it KILLS me to think Id be the cause of someone crying... Right now I feel like I am just the cause of indifference... And I feel like if I were to leave it would be completely selfish

This girl is beautiful beyond belief. She is very wise for her years and we have a lot on common. Not that I am trying to "get with" her... its just that since we have a lot of commonality (though I am not beautiful) and I think she could understand my headspace...

Ive been very emotional this past month. When I see a dead animal on the road I tear up. I imagine the fear of the poor animal, the suffering inflicted on it. I was driving in the country the other day and I had to pull over because I saw a dead raccoon and a young raccoon dead beside her. I imagines the mother being hit and the baby weeping at her side when its young life was also snuffed. I dont understand why people can see an animal and not stop or not care. Ive hit a bird and a rabbit in my life and I may as well have run over my own child. Though if my memory serves, the rabbit was fine... miraculously... And once with Ron we hit a deer, but it also seemed to have survived...

Ron seems to be stepping back from our bar idea... thats fine. I have decided that relying on people is the great folly of my life. It is a very cold realization, but whenever I have made big plans with another, they always fall through.. when they rest on MY shoulders alone, they almost always succeed. I just lack the confidence to do things alone. But perhaps, I am destined to be alone in all my endeavors.

When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful

Every hour we spent together, lives within my heart

And when she was sad, I was there to dry her tears

And when she was happy, so was I,

When she loved me.

Dreams/ Schemes/ Seems

Dreams are Bastards.

I was having a lovely dream that is slipping away from me. I dreamt I was on a sideroad, riding a bicycle on my way to someplace on a scavenger hunt of some sort. I got a clue and was for whatever reason on my way.

As I cycled, a girl I know... though it is unclear weather or not I knew her in the dream... cycled up near me. I smiled and she smiled and we got to talking. It struck me what a fantastic warmth was behind the smile. I knew she was on the same hunt as me (as in dreams, we tend to have an odd access to information) and she was asking me what I was doing out here. I said the same thing she was, and she asked if she could see what I had (from the hunt) and I looked at her with a confidence I lack in my own life and said "isn't that a THIRD date" kind of thing.

She laughed and said "THIRD date.. when was our first and I told her we should ride our bikes on a scavenger hunt for our first date..." Then I woke up in my cold lonely room and was mad. I was so happy in the dream and I woke to the shadows of the room that torments me.

I think I'll go back and try to escape for awhile...

These dreams go on when I close my eyes.

Every second of the night,

I live another life.

These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside,

Every moment I'm awake,

The further I'm away.

Innocence/ In Denial/ Indigestion

Man I wish I was young again. Im really yearning for a simpler time in my life where the only future I worried about was Saturday morning and what cartoons to watch. Im listening to the Hot Fudge song (here) and thinking about Transformers and Gummi Bears and Punky Brewster... Then I think about my future now and what I want to do and it all seems so insurmountable.

Wife is getting more and more distant. My working night shifts hasnt helped, but even if I didnt, she isnt in my bedroom, still opting for her own room even after I bought the bigger bed she insisted was the problem. At least as I trudge to my room to sleep alone when i return home around 6AM I can fool myself into thinking its because of the shift instead of the reality that stabs me in the gut when I think of it. In fact now I make up stories of being tired so I can slip to sleep earlier as to avoid to the awkward goodnight kiss... then the terrible walk to MY bed...

I sometimes think that she doesnt care, then I get a message that says "I dont wanna end up like Ron and his Wife" and I think.. why would she send that out of the blue if it werent so... yet she seems to want nothing to do with me... and the longer she stays away, the more I see her flaws. And this makes me less attracted to her sexually, much less than if she were still laughing and cuddling into me like we did years ago.

Yes my marriage has all the warmth of the relationship one might have with a banker and indeed our conversations run similar as well, often turning to money as the one soul thing we have in common.. a bank account.

Maybe The World Is Blind

Or Just A Little Unkind

Don't Know

God I used to cry at Punky. When she was taken back to the orphanage.. I still tear up just thinking about it. After following her on Twitter for a bit though, I realize she isnt punky anymore and the fantasy is pretty dead. Not that I CURRENTLY fantasize about Punky.. more that she links me to my innocence.

You know.. I think my whole life may be a process of looking to be loved and pushing love away. I just want someone who honestly likes being around me. Someone to cuddle in my arm and watch old movies with me. Someone who laughs at AND with me. Its all Ive wanted since I was like 10 years old. I was never looking to "score" I was always looking for a girl who would just love me and want to be with me.

Im sorry... Im just laying in bed feeling sorry for myself today. The best part is as I seem to have zero followers... It seems my whining falls on deaf ears... which may be for the best.

Also I went to my cousins wedding and from the second I got there I wanted to leave.. I ate and left as soon as I could, came home and went to sleep as I had to work at 1AM.. It was awkward.. she touched my shoulder doing the rounds and all i felt was a shock of shame flow through my body... Our past doesnt seem to bother her... maybe I need therapy...

Alone/Lonely/Need A Loan

Does anyone else feel lonely?

I'd give anything right now for a friend to go for a drive with. My friends are all sleeping though and Wife is in bed. I kissed her goodnight tonight and nearly cried. The distance is growing and I fear I won't be able to see her on the other side of the shore.

Our cat is home. She has been sick and we have to force feed her. I tried to cheer myself up by buying a Blackberry, but the kiss goodnight has taken the wind from my sails.

I wonder how hard it is to actually find someone you are happy with. I dont know of anyone who is married who lives a TV life, where they cuddle and love and confide. I only know of the ones that are unhappy, and have to cover up other parts of their lives to be happy. I just dont get it. I just wish I knew if this was normal or if there was something more.

2 more hours and I can go back and play with my blackberry.. until then I dont know what Ill do...

I wait

I pray its not too late

We came so far

Just a beat of a lonely heart

And its mine

I dont want to be alone

Gone, but not out of sight

Im caught in the rain and theres no one home

Face the heat of the night

The one that you loves got a heart thats made of stone

Im a Pussy/ Sick Pussy/ No Pussy

See... Still not a single night with Wife sleeping in my bed. Im almost to the point where I think if another girl offered herself to me Id take it. Ive never left Wife because I could never hurt her.. but when I trudge to my bedroom and tear up every night... well its starting to weigh heavy on my heart.

Change of subject.. My cat is sick. We took her to the vet who said give her these pills and we`ll see what happens... not very reassuring. She just lays on the bed and does nothing. At least her fever seems to have lifted.

In business news, I have purchased Rons company and have been working like a mad fool. Still getting the hang of it, but theres girls there and they look goo right about now. I`m at a point where even a girl talking to me feels like flirting.

I guess Im just sad.

Ive been thinking a lot about Cheryl. I dont think shes interested in me or anything... but you know... if I could find a girl like her whos fun and pretty and liked being around me... I dunno...

Bed/ Head/ Instead

Why am I so tired?

I went to bed at midnight.. slept til noon and now its midnight and Im tired again. Maybe I am have some disease or something.

So my business purchase is getting kinda weird. One of the big contracts I was buying is unhappy with their current service so I may have to take over sooner than expected... When I asked Wife to help out, she said she wouldnt so I guess I have a lot of hiring to do. At least if I get divorced I dont have to worry about her getting half my company for supporting me while I grew it. Theres been very little support.

Im trying to come up with a way I can afford a Queen size bed by the end of July. Id like to have one ready for my anniversary but theyre SO expensive. I didnt pay 2000 dollars for my car... but thats what a bed will cost...

Ugh.. this entry sucks but Im tired and cant think straight. All Im thinking about is if Wife catches me doing things Im not supposed to.. and how ZEN I am about it all. I mean, I'd try and keep her but if I couldnt.. theres so much other stuff I could do.

Scale of 1 to 10 - How big a douche does that make me?

Try again, Dream again, Fool Again

So.. Ive half written about 4 blogs now... maybe I'll actually finish this one.

So whats new... Well... Wife has been kind to me.. though its fading a bit. As always I hope that this is the start of a new chapter. We went looking for beds. A Queen at least will be required if we are to get back to the same bedroom situation.

Whats interesting is that there hasnt been sex in awhile. Ive hinted a few times, but she has stayed up or whatever. There is always this awkwardness when one goes to bed. Its almost less enjoyable than sex is ENjoyable... so sometimes I slip away quietly.

I think I may have been fooling myself all those times I said I wasnt interested in Cheryl. Ive been having a lot of little fantasies about sharing a bed with her on vacation. Quite out of nowhere.. and they make me very happy...

In business news, I guess I will be buying Ron's company. He has no time for it, and I do. If all goes well I will bill 6 figures next year, which I think is good for a company I started outta nothin.

Man I need sleep...

What should I do with myself.. the new and exciting world, or hold on the the past... I never can tell...

Land of the Lost/ Lost In Translation/ Lost in Life

What a day.. phone rang early (and by early I mean 9am) and woke me up. It was this guy who is supposed to be doing some work at the office.. said he's be by Thursday.. whatever. I went downstairs and talked to Wife who was being particularly cold to me. She then changed her Facebook status to something about being unsure and that just pissed me off. I hate when people send private messages via facebook status. So I went back downstairs and she said she felt like we are growing distant. An interesting accusation from someone who won't sleep in the same room as me anymore. I smoothed it over as best I could but she was still "distant" all day. Maybe she is gearing up to leave. Truthfully... I'd be fine with that. I can't initiate it, and whenever I try to work on our relationship its met with anger or resentment... It may be time.. I just don't know what to do.

I went back upstairs and tried to sleep as much of the day away as I could. Then I got up and went out to buy things for the office. To be honest.. I just wanted to be away.

Everyday I have this very cool book I got for Wife that I noticed she tossed in a garage sale bin once. I took it out and I write in it. Usually just a sentence or two... today I wrote "Every Day You Break My Heart"

Tonight I go out with the guys. Its my commiserate day. Gonna bring a pal to the office and then grab a beer. Then off to that Land of the Lost movie with a few other friends. Looks terrible, but whatever.

As I sorted out my crap, I came across "Lost In Translation" Just the disc. I love that movie. I havent watched it yet... I want to very badly.

What does Bill Murray say to her at the end of the movie? What do you think?

Late for Date/ Personal Hate/ Masturbate

I am feeling quite emo... and the slow music isnt helping, but hey... Im downish.

I was gonna go visit an Internet friend who had been begging me to come visit a few weeks ago. Ive always been very freaked about meeting Internet people. They tend to have high expectations and all I ever want to do is be a friend. But whatever, I cleared my night and she cleared her day. Ooops. We figured we could still hang for a bit... I thought we'd meet halfway thus giving us hours to hang out... We're 3 hours apart so 1.5 each way was gonna get is in contact at like 7 or 730. Good enough for a few drinks and then a goodbye. That wasnt the case.. I was expected to travel the full 3 hours... a 6 hour round trip... Ok fine. I'm a sport. So I got home at like 530 and went online and she was being all pissy. I said whats wrong? She said "Kinda pissed I wasted my whole day" I asked her why she wasted her day and she logged off. So I sent her an offline message saying I got home as quick as I could, cancelled some stuff I was gonna regret to get back for when I did. If that wasnt good enough, sorry.

She sent me some BS message back and I havent spoken to her since. I dont need crazy in my life thanks. An old coworker also wanted a job with me and my new business. I told her Id keep her in mind, but the last thing I remember hearing from her was a giant psycho meltdown about some stupid event pictures. I don't need crazy in my life.

I've been thinking about writing a book. Autobiography of me, called Tales of Nobody. My life is quite weird. But maybe every ones is. Like I have to go to this wedding for my cousin who is four years younger than me. I always dodge her because when we were young we used to play touchy feely, which was just us examining eachothers naked bodies. It was innocent, but I was naive and probably at an age where I should have known what was up... but I didnt. We went to a nudist camp with our families and I didnt really understand what an erection was. This was all just us trying to make sense of things, and have fun too. Now when I look back, I feel terribly guilty about it. She used to dress up my penis and draw faces on it or put clothes on it.. and we'd laugh... then I'd draw on her or whatever else we were doing.

One time she put this elastic beeded necklace on and a few other things, and we had been playing for hours it seemed... then i got a strange sensation and I started to come. The kind of stream that comes from hours of buildup and before that, years of nothing... It was everywhere. It was the first time I ever really came. I didnt masturbate (I shared a room with my sister and also was afraid of the social stigma) She didnt want to play again for a long time... though we did get back to playing... but this incident was just one more thing I didnt understand. I always want to ask her about it.. or explain myself. I can't... I just avoid her. I dont know what else to do.

Sometime I really hate myself. This is one of the things that takes me to that place...

Catch Up/Match Up/Up Til Now

Well its been awhile.

I started blogging at this other place but I just cant be myself and what I really want is somewhere to bare my soul. I dont know if Im searching for understanding or just a friendly ear that may not even be there. But whatever it is... It feels like it might be here.

It feels like when I was young and confused and upset, I used to talk to this program called Dr.Sbaitso. It was an early attempt at a conversational program. It would also read whatever you wanted it to, but I used to talk to it, knowing there were no answers coming.. but being comforted that someone was at least listening.

Since my last blog entry there is much to discuss, so in a nutshell... business is growing slowly. I rented an office and am currently setting it up. Wife went away for a few days and sent me some sweet texts.. I sent some back... I had been spending a few days with Cheryl, who I am not allowed to be friends with. Just a few moments and I forgot how much she made me smile. I felt guilty about spending this time with Cheryl and once again I recommitted myself to my marriage... but my wife returned cold. We still havent spent a night in the same bed.

Please dont think I am talking sex. A long time ago I came to the conclusion that if I found the perfect companion, sex would not be necessary. I mean.. Id be a little frustrated.. but I could sacrifice that part for the rest. What I am talking about is the intimacy, and the caring. The bond that is created between two people who are so close to each other that they spend every moment they can together. I dont have that and as I write... I can feel a lump forming in my throat.

Ron has his problems too. As he planned his exit from his marriage (A well deserved exit) his wife has found herself pregnant with his child. What a bitch. We were wondering why she was suddenly "into" intimacy with Ron. Turns out she secretly went of the pill. Guess Ron shoulda got the snip.

Enter a social site which I blundered into being on. This site is full of forward thinking beautiful women and they are all into me... well.. not all of them... but many like me. I'm being invited to parties all over North America and some have even offered to pay my way there! Of course I decline and say I'll try and make it.. but secretly I know I can't. Or won't. I know that sex will be thrown at me like crazy (I am not that good looking.. I am not sure what all this is about) and I dont know how many times I can turn it down. I'd like to think that I can a lot, but a few drinks or some unintentional narcotic intake and I don't know where my head would be. Maybe it'd be good for me. All I see is the end of my current life... not able to see the beginning of a new one.

Ok... So enough drudgery, I read Shatners book "Up Till Now" and I have to say its pretty good. It was given to me for free, and I peeled through it. I'm not a Shatner fan... but I am now. I wanna go rent Boston Public.. or Legal... I forget which one he's on...

Ok this is long enough. I'm back, friends... Sorry for the absence

-Mouse

And I think it's gonna be a long long time
Till touch down brings me round again to find
I'm not the man they think I am at home
Oh no no no I'm a rocket man
Rocket man Burning out his fuse up here alone

Flies/Lies/Cries

It's funny how things that are said in a different context come back to have new meaning in your life. It's been 4 nights in a row now since Wife slept in my bed, and I am haunted by words Ron said about dieting. If you don't want to do something, you'll find an excuse not to do it. If you want to do something, you'll find a way to make it happen. We of course were talking about exercise, but it applies to Wife who seems to find lots of reasons to not sleep in bed with me.

I often wonder if we should be trying to have a baby. Too often I feel like Wife is just with me because she feels she has to be. Other times I think she just hates me. It's funny, how I build up in my head that I am going to be a better husband and whenever I resolve to do so, I get smacked to the ground like a fly in a swatter and my dreams are broken like it's little wings. I killed a fly yesterday and I felt bad.

Maybe I have more in common with a fly than I care to imagine. We are both just trying to make a living, but our very existence is an annoyance to those around us. Do yo uthink a fly knows these facts?

I didnt sleeplast night. Well I slept for like 2 hours and am up again. I have to work today. And I have so much paperwork to do. I have vacation coming up.. but I wish I had a few days of it by myself.

I don't know how Ron can be so upbeat. His business is going great, but the rest of his life is crumbling. Doesn't he see it? I wish I had the insane optimism he has. It must be nice to have that kind of courage in yor life. A lot of times I am a coward. I dont even like answering the phone in case it's a potential client I have to quote. I know.. I need to suck it up... and I always do. But there's that laziness and fear that threatens to undo me at every step.

Of course now I start getting tired.. when I need to get up in 30 minutes... maybe I'll try to slip in a few... 

Night everyone

'Mouse

Alone/Afraid/Apart

You know... I talk a big talk to my friends but deep down I think I am very lonely. I think in a lot of ways in my marriage I just exist but I never really feel loved. Been married 13 years but I feel like a lot of the time, Wife is just here because she has to be.

I was playing a video game today and I found myself staring at a character. The character is sort of a friendly female character and I felt almost kinship. It was a sad realization for me. I dont know what to do about this.

I saw the Watchmen. I loved it... but I dont know that anyone else will. It was so real and human, and it made me realize why people like Super Hero Movies... because the heroes in those movies dont live their lives in fear like we do. Sure... say you dont feel fear... but the only one you fool is yourself. Fear of poverty, failure, insecurity, being alone. These are all fears. You have fear in your life.. imagine what your life would be like if noone told you you couldnt do something.... To live a life without fear.

-Mouse

Cops/Cash/Carefree

Wow.. it's been awhile. Sadly there's not a whole lot to say. I've just been screwing around, doing nothing. I went out and did a little advertising last night. Dropping off some flyers at some potential clients. It was late at night and we probably looked like idiots. I went with Ron of course. Only HE is crazy enough to go with me when I decide that 1AM is a good time to distribute flyers.

Actually, we went for a small walk to walk off a little caffine and were stopped by a cop. For some reason... It was weird.. we came up the sidewalk towards my car and he was peering in.. then he asked us a thousand questions about what we were doing out so late and checked our ID's... what we were planning to do next.. I just wanted to say Fuck You.. Im driving to your house to Fuck your wife. Fuckin cops so full of themselves. I'll grant it was a little late, but here's this cop who looked like he got his ass kicked all through high school givin me grief and asking me why I was parked in a parking lot and walking on a popular city walkway. Jack Ass.

We then went down to the Casino where I won a small Jackpot. It was exciting to me because I never win anything.. it was only 140 bucks but still.. made me feel special.

It's 430 and I'm still in my pajamas. Guess I should get dressed and face the worls.. I just needed some sleep today. I have invoicing to do and a few other things...

'Mouse

"Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth."
- Albert Einstein

Defense/Offense/On The Fence

Wow what a day... I guess.. I came home for a "nap" and slept for 4 and a half hours. Feel good though :).

So yeah I didnt sleep well. I kept having weird dreams. Like, I had a dream that Miley Cyrus and I were friends and I was looking out for her at a show or something... This is a perfectly normal dream for a 12 year old girl, but I am a middle aged adult, I know NONE of Miley Cyrus's music and really have no interest in her at all. Strangely enough though, I find myself defending her dress for some reson. I thought it was pretty and all the sites have her on the worst dressed list... Shows what I know.

Cathy (Wife's sister) helps me with a contract a couple of times a week and today she went psycho bitch on me. Cathy is unreliable in most aspects of life so I always pick her up a little early for the contract. This way if there's a problem, I have time to fix it. She drove herself and got to the job site 5 minutes before the shift. When I tried to talk to her about it, she went crazy on me. As I contemplated who else I could get to fill her place, she came and apologized. It did open my eyes though, that a replacement could prove problematic.

Grandma had surgery last night and last I heard she was doing well. I think we are going to visit tomorrow, which will be good.

-'Mouse

“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
-Friedrich Nietzsche

Sisters/Strippers/Speed

Well I didn't write yesterday and now I am trying to recall the events that have occurred . I never did drive up to visit Wife's grandmother the other day. There was this whole convoluted argument going on between her and her sister. I was supposed to drive up with her sister to visit but then it all got stupid and we ended up not going.

Cathy (the sister) is ok, but she has recently had sex for the first time and has become quite self involved. It's very frustrating to see a girl you used to think was very cool, turn into every other girl you know. Not because I think she's a slut or anything... but as soon as the event "occurred" there was an instant change in her, and she got awy from being this wonderful, empathetic and intelligent person... to standard, self-centered, "I wanna work in a bar" chick. Quite sad.

In other news, Randy is home alone for the weekend with no money poor bugger. We watched a BluRay last night on his machine. He has a pretty sweet setup. Speed Racer, and I don't care who you are, if you thought Speed Racer wasn't good... you are wrong. And if you think I am wrong, then check the King of Comedy Ricky Gervais's Blog for a sobering view of his best and worst movies of 2008.

Excerpt:
5. Speed Racer -- I'm sick of defending this film. But fuck it, one more go. Look, you're wrong. It's as simple as that. If you haven't seen it, whatever you think of it, you're just wrong. If you have seen it and didn't like it, well... you don't understand what you saw. This film is so far ahead of its time the closest thing I can compare it to is 2001. So there. That's a hyperbolic statement I will live to regret. But, hyperbole is necessary sometimes to prove a point. This film is amazing. It's even important. It's amazing storytelling, it's technically leagues ahead of anything else and here is the main reason people hate it: it is like nothing that has even been before.

Its also cool to see him rag on Twilight:
1. Twilight -- Dear Fat Girls of America, I know times are tough. I know how it feels to be overweight, and unpopular, to feel that no one really understands you and to wallow away at night, lying in your big bed, snacking and wishing there was an effeminate vampire boy-child to come steal you away and show you how shiny he looks in the sunlight. (I don't). But this is not the answer. I say it again, ma'am: THIS IS NOT THE ANSWER. I know it's too late to stop this train, but let us all agree that the Twilight books make Harry Potter look like Proust. And even worse, the Twilight film makes Disaster Movie look like The Leopard.

Okay enough excerpts from Ricky Gervais's Blog.

Randy and I also chatted about going on a trip somewhere, just for the strippers. . I knew a stripper online and we thought about going to visit. Not for anything other than a visit. Does that sound weird? Maybe. Would it still be weird if I said we were gonna go visit this girl I know who sells used cars? Who's the whore in that duo? If you guessed the stripper... guess again.

In stupid news, I poked that girl I used to have a crush on on facebook. I actually spent a long time deciding weather to do it or not. I did not get poked back. I know she's been online since, cause there has been a status update. I guess I should let this one go.

Well, I guess I should get ready. I have a contract to work today. Randy's gonna come keep me company for some of it, which is good, cause this one will take awhile.

See ya soon, friends...

'Mouse

Sleepless/Sickness/Scores!

Wife's grandma almost died last night. I knew something was up when I won a season pass to a local hockey team. I was having a good day so I knew something had to give.

I feel bad because a few minutes after I heard the news, I started wondering if we were in the will. I mean Wife and I are kinda really in debt, and we could use some cash to help bail us out. We're surviving, but the debt stays the same or we dig a little deeper every month and it's kinda scary.

Grandma is doing better but we are still going for a visit today.

I didnt sleep all night. I think Wife stole a few of my pillows so my limbs kept falling asleep with nothing to prop them up. Plus, for some reason, this Tom Lehrer song was stuck in my head.

On the bright side, Gary enjoyed the Hockey game, and Tom showed up too. I won the Season pass I mentioned earlier and we enjoyed ourselves. The radio guy who did the MCing won the 50/50 draw. Seems a little fishy to me.

Well, I have to get up in 20 mins.. guess I should wrap this up.

Wish me luck.. this is gonna be a weird day.

'Mouse

Little Lads & Ladders

So tonight I am finally hanging out with my Little Brother. We're gonna catch a hockey game. It seems like forever since I've taken him out.

It's been a weird ride being a Big Brother. I mostly joined because my old boss said if I wanted to get ahead, I needed to do some charity work. Then I started doing charity work and was let go .

Anyways this is the part where you expect me to say how rewarding it is, but I'm not going to do that. I mean.. it is rewarding, but it's not what I thought. My little brother is a nice kid named Gary, but all I can hope for is to be a decent influence on him. I mean I get 3 hours a week and his regular living conditions get 6 days and 20 hours... All I can do is take him places and try to give him another reality to aspire to. Is it successful? Guess we'll see.

Something I learned about charities though, is there there are two levels in them. There are the volunteers and the committee members. It's kind of interesting because I joined a committee and it was filled with the rich people of the town and none of them volunteer time with a little brother. They ONLY raise money, and it was odd to see this cultural and sociological level from both points of view. I was very much looked down upon. Not in a mean way, more like if you had a 10 year old on your baseball team. "Just do your best and it'll all work out." I half expected them to tussle my hair.

It's strange to me how different people are. But keep that in mind if you aren't happy with the rung you are on in the world. People act different on each rung. Your action's dictate your place in society. If you look back you can see if you Rang the Right Ring for your Rung.... wtf?

'Mouse

Walkin/Workin/Jerkin

Booooooooored! Yeah it's one of those days. No clients today, and it's pissing rain out. I've been sitting in the house waiting for calls and masturbating. Yup... Big day. Ron just reminded me of this guy I was supposed to email though so I'll do that today.

What else. Wife and I are getting on a bit better. Seems to go day by day. Kind of like life, I guess. I was telling Ron that things were better for me personally when I didn't give a shit. When I actually made a decision to reinvest emotionally in my marriage, that's when I really started getting heart-broken.

The pity party was fine last night. I left early to take a walk with Ron. Then we didn't walk 'cause he was too much of a pansy in the cold. Now today it's rainy and there will be no walk... Oh well.

So.. how bout that Facebook. Man, don't be greedy, guys. I mean you have the market cornered for bored housewives, lonely teenagers and people who's lives are so boring they want to reconnect with people they would normally ignore, or duck into mall stores to avoid. Why do you think you need to own everything on there too. Just silly.

Well I guess Id better send that email and fit a nap in before 530...

-'Mouse

Stealing/Firing/Drinking

Well it's a good news bad news kinda day. I fired Randy. Which is to say, I came up with a fake reason why we no longer had the contract. I just hope he doesn't ask what I'm doing on those days. I'm spending hours doing something by myself of course...

But Karma has caught up with me (not that I think I did anything wrong... if anything, I gave Randy a month longer than most would have.) Some asshole kid stole my license plate so I had to get a new one. I looked into a vanity plate, but they were way too much money. So now I have a crappy new plate that I will never remember the number of.

Wife hasn't slept in my bed in about a week. She is making up excuses like we have different sleep scheds and stuff, which is valid, but it's a little emasculating having a wife who won't sleep in your bed. I'm not like repulsive or smelly or anything...

Yesterday I was so mad, that if I'd have had cash in the bank I'd have been in the wind... makes me wonder what she's thinking when she's playing passive aggressive. I ask her.. but she never tells me.

I don't want to put all my failings on Wife's shoulders... but sometimes it's hard to attribute anything positive either.

Gonna drink a few beers tonight with my negative friends.. been 3 weeks since I've seen them. WooHoo!!!! Pity Party!!!! Sometimes they are useful.

-'Mouse

Why Atheists Love Peace

You know.. I have a theory.

You see, I will gladly tell you that I am agnostic. I will somewhat more reservedly tell you I am atheist. At least as far as the whole Christianity thing goes. I believe there may be a cosmic consciousness or something greater than ourselves, but even thinking we can comprehend it is blasphemy. So saying that we understand "God's Will" is ridiculous. This is a guy/girl/it that kills babies in their sleep, allows rape of 8 year old girls, etc. etc. etc. I however do not wish to argue the existence of God. Rather to say that existing or not, the world would be better without him/her/it.

Now no matter what you chose to believe in, you believe that when you die you are going to a better place, which makes it very easy to kill yourself in this life. It "cheapens" life. How many people would join the military, or suicide bomb, or any of the other ridiculous things that we humans do, if we knew there was only one go around.

Would there still be cancer and other life taking diseases? People would be PISSED that their 12 year old boy just died of cancer, and that a cure had not yet been found. Of course the cure is stop dumping shit into the air... so it would be better for the environment as well. We can also look at other diseases and maybe Military spending could be diverted into an efficient health system, where scientists work TOGETHER instead of against each other.

If there is no "afterlife" then suddenly this life becomes pretty damn important. I refuse to believe that this life is an audition. The audition happened kids. You were the fastest sperm. Worst case scenario... you put on one hell of an audition...

-Mouse

Money/Mind/ Murder

WTF... seriously. Let me spell it out for you.. What... The... Fuck!

I'm a little pissed today. I'm looking to fire Randy as you know, but I'm going to do it in such a way that he thinks he hasn't been fired. It'll work. I made the decision because Wife said she'd come help me with a large contract, which is good.. it's like 10 hours all by yourself and I get very lonely and even depressed all by myself... with 2 it's more like 3-4 hours. Wife also told me we needed the money so this was a perfect solution.

Then wife said she didn't want to do it once I lined everything up, and that I should get her sisters hubby to come help... and if that's the case, why wouldn't I just keep Randy on? The idea was all the money from the contract. I said in frustration.. forget it.. I'll just do it by myself and be depressed. Answer: "Ok... that's probably best." Hard pill to swallow when you're wife won't give up 3 hours to save your mental state. I was really upset and went for a 2 hour drive.

In other news a friend of mine has a relative who has been charged with murder. Seems pretty cut n dry. She is fine though.. the friend. I imagine the cousin is being raped in a holding cell.

Wife is sitting on the couch. I don't even want to look at her. I know it seems like a minor thing to some... but your wife is supposed to be the person you can find shelter in. I'm a bit better now.

As I said to Tom today... there's no point in thinking about today, when tomorrow will be so amazing...

-'Mouse

Strippers/Work/Million Dollar Ideas

Well today Randy and I went to work out at a big subcontract. I think we were being punished because there was SO much work. What it did show me was that I was correct about Randy. He needs to move on from y company. I asked him to take a small contract and his own and he said he'd "Let me know." Not really an acceptable response to my way of thinking. He told me he was applying for another job... I hope he gets it.. it will spare me having to let him go.

My friend Ron went to the strippers last night. Something weird about strippers on Valentines Day. I can honestly tell you that I have never been to the strip clubs. He seemed to have had a good time though and I enjoyed the stories... maybe someday I'll go. Not today.

I'm definitely feeling the February Blahs. I have a podcast I do, completely unrelated to this blog and I haven't had the energy to do it. I feel bad. So many people love the show but I just dont feel like putting in the work... What shit.

Ron is going on a diet. Wife just said she is too. I guess I should jump on the turnip truck.

I have an online friend who was just layed off from work. Poor thing. Very nice single Mom/Web designer. I thought I came up with a pretty amazing web idea for her, but I haven't heard back. I told her I would gladly accept 10% of her net profits. When I told Ron the idea and how I hadnt heard back, he laughed and told me to get a lawyer... I don't worry about such things though. If the worst thing I do in life is give a million dollar idea to a very nice lady, then I've lived a good life. Plus I dont know how I'd explain it to Wife *lol*. She hates when I talk to anyone...

I hate that I have to have this secret life where I talk to people. I wish there was something I could do about it that doesnt start with "D."

On the bright side, the blog has really helped me keep my feelings in check. For anyone who reads this... I am more open and honest with you, then anyone else I know. I suppose that makes us Best friends :).

Take it easy friends. And if anyone knows a good voice changer, let me know. I'm thinking about doing a podcast, but I like anonymity.

Lies/Revenge/Valentines Day

Well well well. My blisters are going nuts. Ron and I have been walking every day for about 5 miles and my feet are not pleased. It'll all be worth it in the end though.

So it's Valentines Day and Wife is still sick. We're mostly sitting here watching old Game show repeats and little else. Kind of a boring day it looks like but thats ok.

I told my Mom I was taking a test for part 2 of this course I am supposed to be in. She was footing the bill for the course and she doesn't know I stopped taking it. It's not a good market to be getting into Real Estate and the cost is so high, she doesn't realize I am doing her a favour. I am saving her like 5,000 dollars and moving on with a career with more promise. She won't see it that way though.

I came up with a great joke I was gonna play on my old boss. Call me a jerk, but I have always been pissed that I worked for this guy for over 10 years and he couldn't even shake my hand when I was let go. He also kinda screwed over a good friend of mine, to put a girl he has a hardon for in his position. And it wasnt like a small promotion/demotion.. it was a HUGE senior position.

I was going to send her flowers from him and give instructions to the florist to call his home number when the order was out. Then either his wife picks up or a message is left on his machine. Wife says it could really make his life difficult... my response was "Not as difficult as it made mine when I was on the unemployment line." Lesson to my friends... don't piss me off. I gotta good evil brain up here that likes to get out for excercize.

-'Mouse

Walking/Gunning/Guessing

Yikes... I hurt. Ron and I went for a HUGE walk yesterday.. well huge for guys our size and today I'm a little stiff. Went to work nice and early today and am back nice and early as well. I have a few places to fax to and then my day is basically over.

Gonna go out with some friends tonight from my old job. Yeah I was fired after 10 years at my old job. It was good for me because I really felt frustrated there. I can't count the number of times I made the right call, but we went the other way and things ended up failing miserably. It's hard being right when nobody listens, and even though your track record is like 90-95% correct calls, they still follow the idiot who is almost always wrong. Don't get me wrong, the idiot is the boss, but the boss should have enough wisdom to see the pattern. Whatever.. I am out of there now, and I bring my track record to my OWN company, where it has paid off pretty well.

I feel bad that they fired me. If you talk to mist of the people I worked with, I was a very underpaid/under-utilized person. I was one of these guys who could do anything in a building, and had been in the business long enough to know the good choices and the mistakes. Unfortunately, rather than seeing me as a commodity, I think I was viewed as a threat. It's too bad, because I'm a pretty loyal guy. But it's good for me...

Basement flooded.. that was nice.. hopefully it dries out by tomorrow. I have a lot of work to do down there and I dont wanna be walking through feces.

I guess today's lesson is every person is a nightmare and an asset. It just depends how you treat them. If you want to fear me.. then fear me... Because I'm either coming WITH you.. or FOR you...

-'Mouse

Heroes, Zeros, and Happy Birthday Ron!

It's Rons Birthday today and I completely forgot. I suck. Happy Birthday Ron! I guess we're gonna go for a walk or drive. I'm going to try to convince him to go on a little adventure somewhere. Dont know where yet though.

So it was a weird night last night. Wife and I started talking about cheating couples and how difficult it was, and some tough times we went through. Then she brought up this girl that I was kind of fathering at the time. I know it sounds weird, but she was on drugs, and had been abused and was basically homeless, and I was kinda bringing her back. This made Wife upset and I found out she almost left me because of it.

Don't be mad at her though, I imagine it must have been difficult. She brought up a bunch of stuff last night that i dont even remember. I think she remembers things worse than they were, but because I only had pure and friend intentions, I didn't remember most of the things she brought up. I felt terrible that I had made her feel so bad. I was just trying to be a good person. I guess I failed.

Life seems to be about walking a tight rope. Don't be too good or too evil, you'll be punished for either. I just want to do good in the world. I want to leave the world a little better than I left it. Even if my only reason for living was to help turn one persons life around... At least there was a reason...

-'Mouse

Happiness, Working, Facebook

Well the day was a day alright. I had a new client today that I massively under-quoted. But it's ok... I'm still making money on the account, just less than I am used to. I think I'll just hire this one out to my friend Randy who is always happy to do this kinda stuff.

It was kind of weird. The receptionist who contacted me was showing me around. She is the person who originally contacted me and she informed me that someone would be in touch next week sometime, but that it wouldn't be her because she was getting layed off. Yikes. I played like she just told me she would be on vacation. She's nice though. Maybe she'll recommend us to her new boss when she finds a place.

Ron and I went for a nice long walk tonight. He is angry that his old flame has taken so much of his time lately, so he has quit facebook... 3 times today! Laughs... what a champ. It would seem though that third times the charm, because I dont see him on my friends list right now. I know he's not happy, so I try to just listen to his problems. Most people with problems just want you to listen... so that's what I try to do.

My wife is pretty down. She wants to quit her job, which we absolutely can't afford right now. I'd love to let her, but it's just not possible. She's mad about it, but I told her if she could find a new job, or find us enough new contracts to supplement the income lost, she could quit. She thinks I'm not being supportive, but we just scrape by now.

I sent my parents a message. They are selling their house and I was hoping they would consider selling it to me. I'd just need them to hold the mortgage or rent to own to us or something. The message I got back from them was a list of cleaning supplies they liked.... not a good sign... Oh well.

Well I have to do a little shopping to do. Think about happiness today. Did you know that people who lose a limb are exactly as happy as people who win the lottery. You chose weather or not to be happy. It's really all in your mind...

-'Mouse

Every Morning

When you wake up your day has limitless potential. The limits come in when you start cutting things out of your day as impossible. Some cutting is good. "I won't become a crack dealer today." But for me today feels like everything has been cut away.

I have a very long to do list and today really is the best day to get it done... but it just feels like the day will be wasted. The question is.. will I say "SCREW IT" and come on like a power house, or will I sit in my chair with my blanket and fade in and out of consciousness.

I'd like to think I'll do the latter and I'm going to try, but I just don't feel very motivated today. It kinda sucks.

My wife is upstairs quite ill. She thinks she has stomach flu or food poisoning. My hope is that it's morning sickness, though thats not normally present at this time. But normal is just a word. Here's hoping.

I was reading this girls facebook. She was my first big high school crush that I always regretted not asking out. Anyways, she had done one of those "Questions about me" things and it made me sad. She's married with kids, was (and still is) one of the prettiest girls I knew, and seems very intellectual.

Have you been in love: possibly
When you were little, you used to... dream
Kisses or hugs: I long to be held :-)
Do you think you're attractive: afraid not

It kind of makes you think, doesn't it? This poor girl seems to have a terrible mental image of herself, yet she has haunted my dreams since I was 13 years old. 20 years later she looks just as good.

Do you think anyone has a crush on you? 'Cause this girl doesn't...

-'Mouse

The Walking Dead

Remember that nap i was going to take... well I was plagued with phone calls and nightmares. I've been having lots of bad dreams lately which is very strange for me. I usually don't dream at all.

I dreamed that something was moving through a television screen and it looked at me, and was surprised I noticed it. Then it wouldn't leave me alone. It was very odd and disturbing.

Ron and I were going to go walking tonight to get things started on our "getting in shape" goals, but instead I got blown off for poker. It happens a lot with Ron. I try not to let it get to me.

My wife is home now and has a lot of energy. She thinks she'll be up late tonight but I just don't see me hanging around for that.

I play this silly online game and for the life of me I don't know why. My friends depend on me in this game, and i just want to delete it. Many of my friends are negative and I'd like to trim them from my life, but it makes me feel 2 faced and evil for thinking that. I skipped out last week on our usual beer night get together. I told them I was sick or something, I don't even remember. Hopefully I dont get caught in that lie 'cause I don't even remember it.

Do you ever find yourself sucked into this whole niche that you don''t even want to be a part of? Not sure what to do with myself.

Need to get my shit together tomorrow and get some pitches out.

Waking, Rivers, and Old Flames

I went to bed very early. I was so tired I could barely even function.. now a few hours later I am awake and watching TV.

I have to work in a few hours so I cant decide if I should just stay up or what. Im only working for a couple of hours today so i can always come home and nap... but I am so tired of my sleep schedule being off.

It's times like this you realize things that still haunt you. I find myself checking out my old highschool crush more and more. I'm not sure why. I think the human mind always wonders what might have been.

My wife and I are trying to have kids. We're doing the fertility thing and all that and we had another unsuccesful month. It's starting to get to her, but she won't talk to me about it. I often feel like we began a long walk together and ended up on either side of a river. We are still walking together but the river remains between us. It gets wider and thinner... but it is always there.

-'Mouse

Tired

Im just about to head out with a friend of mine named Tom.

Heh, it's kinda fun coming up with names for my friends. Obviously if I gave real names they'd be exposed and it'd be obvious who this 'mouse is.

Tom and I are gonna grab a beer which I sorely need. I was working today with another friend who I was hoping would be able to run one of my companies for me, but as much as he is trying, I just dont know if thats going to be possible.

I havent told him this yet of course. I'm not sure if Im hoping against hope... or if I'm just too lazy/chicken to break the news to him. I mean I never promised him he'd run it.. I just mentioned it was what I had hoped. Of course thats the kind of thing people always say who are trying to justify a position they know is wrong.

Ron and I are going to start walking at night. He wants to get in shape to try and rekindle a rrelationship with this girl he dated as a kid... I just want to not be slob *lol*

I just got off IM with a female friend who I always enjoy her online company, but she always wants to take it further. I'm running out of excuses. Obviously I want to keep her seperate from reality, because in reality I am married and my wife would hate that I am talking to a girl.

Let this be a lesson, if you want your husband to be honest all the time, don't give him a reason not to tell the truth. Then we feel like we have to lie about everything. And who even cares that I talk to a girl online.. it's never dirty or even flirty.. just friendly.

Whatever. I need this beer.

-'Mouse

Why Am I Here?

I don't mean in the crazy cosmic sense, I just felt I should explain why I decided to start a blog. Truth is I have a couple of blogs for various things, but nobody really knows who I am, what I do, or what makes me tick.

To tell you who I am is insanely difficult, because who I am varies from person to person.

I am at my truest when I am with my friend Ron. We are both married, he has kids and I do not.

He has one personality, which is the typical 2. Wife is around/Wife isnt around. Most guys have that. It's part of being a guy.

I have many incarnations of myself. Many of my friends don't know I'm married, and this is not in an effort to cheat or go trolling for girls... I have always been true and suspect I always will be.

Rather, the context in which I meet people tends to put them into groups. I have always found that "Single" me has more power over women. I always use it for good, never to get in some girls pants or anything. I never tell these people I am not married, I just never mention it, and if they do ask, I wave the question off. Crazy I know... but once you start down the hill... everything picks up speed.

Let's stop there. There's lots of time to get to know me, so the point of the post was an introduction. My name is Anonymous... you can call me 'Mouse for short.

This blog is to give me a sounding board about all my lives, and I hope you find some enjoyment in the posts to come...